Saturday, March 1, 2008

Check-ups and a Reunion

Started Friday off with a visit to my dear physician, Mary. I was feeling pretty weak and the heart palpitations were still pronounced. After an EKG and some other checking, Mary asked why I was so stressed and I immediately burst into torrents of tears as I described what had happened to LM. She knew the story of how we had connected as a couple and had previously shared our happiness so understood what shock I have been in. My BP is dangerously elevated so I am on an additional BP med and we will do some bloodwork and begin to do some further health screening next week. Meanwhile she recommended I get as much rest as possible and get rid of the flu residuals but she did OK me to visit with LM. YEAH!! Before that, though, I was dispatched to get a chest X-Ray to rule out pneumonia as I continue to have quite a lot of pain in my mid back. After that I went back to work and managed to get through the day and actually felt better as 5 pm came. I went to bed very early and slept 12 hours without getting up.

LM had a busy day yesterday, too. He went to see his cardiologist and received quite a good report, had blood work and the Dr explained the intensive rehabilitation program which will begin in a few weeks. The trip out of the house was quite exhausting for LM but he was happy to see a bit of the world! He did ask the Dr to change one of his BP meds as it is known to cause severe coughs. The cough he has is terrible and it has plagued him since just post-surgery when they began giving him Lisipronil. That med can also cause swelling in the tongue - also a present symptom for LM. Today he began a different med and I sure hope that is the problem. All in all recovery seems to be on course and it will take a lot of patience to endure the coming weeks as it will be slow. I can see that most things are a very great effort right now and LM is very intensely guarding his body and every thing he does is slightly exaggerated from the struggle. He really worries about compromising his huge chest incision....which seems to be healing quite well, though. Sleeping is still a problem as his bed is not what he would like it to be. I know boredom is setting in and I hope soon LM will be able to get back on his computer and occupy his mind a bit. He is disinterested in TV so time drags. His eyesight is still a bit unfocused from the surgery.

This morning I was able to do some house cleaning and have a nice shower etc and manage to get myself out of the house to do some errands for LM and then drive over to see he and Bob. What amazing joy I felt to be able to see and touch LM's face.....he has lost an amazing amount of weight and looks good, although very tired and he still has a stress frown. We just sat quietly on the couch, he opened some get well cards which had come to my house and I massaged his feet and hands....his left leg and foot are still swollen and sore from where the grafts were taken. His voice is very low and he dozes off but kept returning to look at me and he was wanting to hold my hand. He sweetly brought up how nice it will be when we can really hold each other again. Today I did well managing my tears. This has changed everything about our relationship so much yet our thread of love has still not seemed to fray....sure is being tested!

Yesterday as I drove back from the Dr's office, it hit me full force how much I am missing "us" and our favorite way of handling any situation, problem, or change. There seemed to be nothing we could not solve by simply laying (usually with Ms G insinuating her sweet purring self between us) next to each other, LM's mouth near my ear and talking, talking, talking until everything seemed right....we would look at things from every angle and usually find a place of comfort or solution for whatever needed doing. Sometimes there were not solutions, such as various issues with children and other things we just accept about our life, but hearing things out just worked and kept us united. Here we are now with the biggest challenge we have both ever known and we cannot apply our usual method to deal, to find our united center. So hard, yet I know it will pass, and we will be back there again. It was very sweet that LM made that comment this morning (without knowing my feelings yesterday) about being able to hold me. There is fear in that thought of finally being able to hold each other....I sometimes think I will start crying and not be able to stop. Hopefully, I will be able to work some of this out with my therapist beforehand. It is grief which transcends any I have ever know. I am sure it is because the love LM and I share transcends any and all I have ever know, as well.

Tonight will just be a quiet evening at home for me....maybe some 6 Ft. Under re-runs and a movie. Tomorrow I will roast a chicken and take it over for Bob and LM.
Bob is doing so well as LM's caretaker but it must be hard for them to be so confined without much of a break. Bob has been great and I just hope he doesn't tire out too much. It is a lot of responsibility. Their's is an amazing friendship.

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