Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My approach to yesterday was to make it a clean slate - I shed the pall which had hovered over my head all weekend leaving me in a trancelike state of depression. I bought flowers for myself on Sunday, brought some to everyone I visited and some to take to the office, I ate healthy food, exercised, felt positive about some conversations and observations of LM's progress and thought, truly, this will be a great day, and, for the most part it was.
Everyone who came in the door was happy to see the beautiful sunshine and the promising daffodils, and it was nice to be back with my fun co-workers. I had saved the second and third sections of the newspaper to glance at later and to my surprise when I opened them, I found a lovely picture of LM filling the top half of the Lifestyle section....it was a great article on the variety of wonderful Community Education programs on the Cape and showed LM teaching his "Take a Course, Catch a Fish on Cape Cod" class. I think they used a file photo from several years ago and do not know he is not able to teach right now but they did tout his class as one of the most popular on the Cape and for sure it is! I called the famous man immediately, knowing he would not have seen a paper yet, and it made his day.
So all this positive flow was working well until I received a call just before noon from Dad...he who NEVER calls me at work unless the sky is falling....he is a two hour drive away from me and calling to say he cannot breathe and needs help, NOW. I ask if he has called to the nurse, had he called my SIL or brother....NO....he wants me to do it. This is what we knew would be happening when he made the decision not to have dialysis for the kideny failure. He would begin to have these symptoms and probably a major event will bring him to the end of his journey at almost 96 years. My heart began to race and all the fear, dread and stress I had been keeping at bay, regarding LM, rushed back in for Dad and tried to consume me. I was able to reach my SIL and left a message for my brother. I cannot be there, much as I would like to right now, and it is painful. I have to stay on Cape, work and continue to heal myself. Dad is in good hands but he is missing me as I was ever so present there before. I will see him Saturday. In the meantime, he will see his Doctor today and they will bring meals to his room as going to the dining room is now too strenuous for his heart.
It seems all I can do is reach out the best I can but remain in my place here and take care of myself. Of course, I immediately question myself....what am I doing in my life to bring all these tests upon my world....am I doing something wrong, or should I be questioning karma at all?? There is a lot of sadness coming my way....I also learned yesterday that the mother of a dear friend died last week and I didn't even know.

Saw my counselor last night and even in that meeting, I felt so fragmented and frustrated as I tried to put in to words, coherent words, how I felt. Didn't get to a point of control....

The day did end nicely, though....I had a wonderful call from LM and he sounds like a new person since he stoped taking the Vytorin. He has strength in his voice, he sounded so good and clear and he is going out for several different errands today and happy about it! Also, I had a nice phone call just before sleep from someone to whom I brought flowers. I have to dwell on those happy moments.

I am rambling .....time to start a new day! The birds are chirping outside my window and it will be another sunny, although cold, day.

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