The "New" LM 03/19/2008
I wrote this on Tuesday after a particularly disturbing night on Monday......things are better now, well sort of........
When life is so intense, why must sleep, ie, my dreams be so intense, as well? Fresh off an agonizing day of trying to center myself in the middle of my Dad's decline, and dealing with all the changes, and temporary losses which LM's heart attack and surgery have brought to our life, I fell in to a deep sleep and had a very vivid dream about Dad dying.....granted, his death came peacefully, and we all went through it very well and there was a sense of peace about it.
I awoke very briefly and went right back in to a dream which found me visiting my beloved doctor, Mary. Halfway through an examination, she looked at my right forearm and began closely examining a small red mark. She picked her head up and put her arm on my shoulder and told me that I had a very serious cancer from which there is no recovery possible and that I would die within 3-4 months!! Surprisingly, my reaction after I walked trancelike from her office, was total calm and relief because I would now be free. I began making sure that everything was in place for my children and LM and Ms. G and I was blissfully approaching my death and relief from this life. I was actually happy that my death would relieve my children of having to care for me at an advanced age. WHEW, I was glad to be awake this morning but I almost feel like I cannot even get the energy up to go to work. I am certainly being tested here, but I do know the testing is being done by my own soul so I must rally and challenge myself, once again, to venture forth and be brave. I really don't want to.
What could the symbolism be of these dreams????
So, even though I didn't think I could, I pulled myself back to center and had two good days, the quilt for Meaghan is well under way, and the new recycling project at work is going into effect today with me in charge. Last night, I drove over to LM's and Bob's through a driving rain storm, but I was happy knowing my destination. I brought them some top quality lean ground beef from my Chatham Village Market (LM has been directed to eat some beef to build his iron stores as he is quite anemic). It was so wonderful to see my dear one looking so much better and full of enthusiasm. I then left to get him a few things at the drugstore and a few errands of my own. On my return I brought LM his drugstore items and we had some more time to visit. So the world felt like it was returning to some semblance of normal.....we even discussed the fact that LM will start teaching again in two weeks and how I could go along and help him bring all his teaching supplies into the building, etc (of course, his main concern was me having to wait for him to teach his class for two hours....I assured him I have many friends nearby and can use that time to visit).
I left happily to head home, but no sooner got in the car than, LM's daughter, Kristi called to tell me her mother, Ellen, had just been taken by ambulance to the hospital. The call for help was made by Kristi when her mother just could not breathe. Ellen is in very poor health from years of smoking and drinking and neglect of her health. Knowing how tenuous that situation is (wrote about that on 3/16/08 in a post entitled "The Day"), my body just seized up in stress as I realized I had to now call LM and tell him and he, being the only person who could make any decisions on her behalf, would have to get to the hospital. Because Kristi is handicapped, we did have a plan for her immediate care in place.
As of 10:00 pm last night, LM was on his way to the hopsital with Bob to assess the situation. This crisis may be a blessing in disguise as Ellen will now be forced to make legal arrangements regarding property and setting up a trust for Kristi. The whole matter has been weighing on LM for years and he has been trying to put something in place with no luck at all.
In an very bizarre way, it feels like the universe is trying to hurriedly solve a lot of problems in our lives, but it is all happening in a way that is heavily stressful....LM has been warned by all his medical care givers that he must avoid stress during this time of his recovery. This is a test!!
This morning I am still awaiting news on what happened last night. LM told me he wasn't going to call me during the night as he wanted me to sleep....not much sleep was had here in my world last night.
PS. This just in....LM said things are fairly stable at the hospital, Kristi is fine with a neighbor, and he is HOME with the full reality that he must take care of himself first! We will be in close touch throughout the day today as more unfolds in this saga....and we are even laughing and happy in the midst. Mmmmmmm!