Sunday, March 2, 2008

In a Daze

Obviously, this flu is not going away in a hurry and I was reminded of that often today. My head is in a fog, I am exhausted and sinus pressure and cough are lurking. I did manage to cook a roasting chicken and make a big batch of vegetable soup today. Brought the chicken and a container of soup to Bob and LM and we shared a nice dinner. In between those tasks, though, I slept a lot. Have to go to work tomorrow. LM was very sleepy today, too. He did get up to eat but was asleep or dozing most of the time I was there. I just sat with him on the couch and rubbed his feet....wishing I could just lay next to him and doze, too. So much has happened in the past 2.5 weeks and it feels very heavy, very emotional and so HEAVY.

Eloquence and ease of expression escapes me totally right now. I just want to cry for so many reasons. LM is so vulnerable right now....he has no energy, no color and is just barely capable of doing the minimum to keep going right now. The simplest task is beyond him. I know it will change and things will get better. Today everything seems insurmountable to him. I, too, have tremendous pressure on disaster is looming and I feel helpless to stop it, face it. It seems so terribly unfair to have worked so hard for so many years and in the "end" I come down to being smothered in debt from dental bills necessary to repair and restore the damage done from radiation. I have been paying on this debt since 1999 and now another $6,797. fell on me in the mail yesterday. Tears, tears, tears....somehow, I must sleep and get the energy to go to work tomorrow and face my life but I hate my life right now. I cannot find the ease I need. My house feels empty and cold just like my soul. Add all this onto the weight of feeling so sick and so alone during LM's sickness and I am scared.
Well, I tell myself, you are EM's daughter and she always assured you "everything will be alright, dear"....Do I believe her once again?

1 comment:

islaygirl said...

oh, i know how hard it is when everything seems to be crashing down at once. just one step at a time. you need to heal, LM needs to heal, just set aside the long-term worries and take it one minute at a time. at least, that's what i tell myself. great big hugs from Arizona.