Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Low Spot

'Twas nice to be back at work a full day yesterday. Life is much better for me when my regular schedule is in force.
Blues are hovering around my brain, and the search is on for a way to shoo them along. Dark days and nights, being alone a lot, and New Years Eve and all its foolish expectations looms. Remembering the thrill of last year when LM and I were on the road and in bliss....it rolls into one hurdle to be jumped until January is officially underway next Monday. Meanwhile, I am gearing up to stay home by myself on Wed night, make curtains for granddaughter, Samantha, and go to bed early in preparation for a visit to see baby Teddy on Thursday. I'd like to be 1/2 mile away amidst the huge celebration of First Night in Chatham Village but I am not going alone. In years past, I volunteered at the event, and really had fun......but then there are memories in that event which tie in to my past, very abusive and tragically ended, relationship (2004). Ugh....I cannot seem to escape myself for even a minute this week. It will pass.

LM is really sick and hardly has a shred of himself to give, I do not expect it, Bob's homecoming from the nursing center is postponed until Wed and those two just need to be there for each other. LM hardly has the energy to talk on the phone and his flu/cold just has to work its way out. He is doing all he can to heal himself - getting rest, drinking fluids, etc. He has been calling me VERY often just to check in....sweet man. I am trying not to expose him to my blues, but I know he knows. Damn! He also has worries.... his son John has a court date on Monday to see if an event last summer will revoke his parole and put him back in jail for 18 months. LM has moved the earth to help John these last six months and he is finally regularly seeing a therapist, working full-time, has joind a YMCA basketball team and is generally being a good citizen. It is hard for these older teens to get a hold on life after being incarcerated for 1 year (he and a group of other teens drew graffiti on a church) with absolutely no rehabiliation and no safety net except LM. Monday tells the story. We feel that John's life will be ended if he goes back to jail next Monday. I fear it will break LM's heart.
It is typical for me to have the blues after such a flurry of activity and I need to ride it out, find distractions, feel the quiet and let it all pass through me....another of life's processes. I don't like it, though!
Time to get on the exercise bike...


One Woman's Journey said...

Marcia, so many of your thoughts and the blues are natural. I am on a part of that trip. At this stage of life there are happy and sad memories. As far as New Years Eve - for years I want to be home and like being by myself.
Not a part of what the masses participate in.
This is an evening of deep thoughts, journal entries and prayer. It is an ending and a special beginning for me.

islaygirl said...

thinking of you, m. xx

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Thank you both for the comments....Happy New Year!

K, e-mail me when you can morsekittyl at Yahoo dot com

amy in ct said...

maybe that is what is wrong with me, the blues.
funny, i love blues music and it rarely makes me sad... but this feeling inside me... just makes me grouchy, as my blog states tonight.
thank you for being there, you remind me that i am going to be ok, and it is ok to just be home on new years eve, i will see jim when i see him and the time will be well spent.
here's hoping that LM is well soon and good thoughts for john.
amy in ct