Thursday, February 12, 2009
The confusion of feelings right now has me sleepless. I cannot stop the speeding carousel in my brain. Spent more than 4 hours going through and organizing papers (bad choice but productive) at Bob's house last night. Made LM a dinner. It was just us. Surreal. Laughter, sadness, surprising revelations, and exhaustion overtook our emotions. There were lots of phone calls and finally, I had to come home. More info during the day today about arrangements for a memorial service, but it will not take place for several weeks. Strange limbo feeling. LM has so so much to do.
Sleep eluded me after a brief 1 hour nap from 11 pm-midnight. This is all so much more complicated than we expected. We remind ourselves that it is an almost year-long process to have things settled. It will be a time when I have to make life-changing decisions. But, right now, it is day to day, and helping LM to cope. We realize there is such a huge void....everyday for so many months has been filled with caring for Bob, now there is nothing but the detritus of that life.
Thank you EVERYONE for all the love and special notes. It helps so much. The light of day will bring perspective and, of course, a trip to the ocean before work.
LM and Bob at the beach in North Chatham last Spring:
I forget who sings the song "I Love a Rainy Night" but it could be my theme song, as I can always sleep beautifully on such nights.....as I finished what I was writing here about 3:00 am, and decided to try to sleep again, I heard a lovely soft rain beginning to fall!! What a gift and after a few meditative breaths, I was able to drift off. I found this photo above and thought it appropriate for this time....they were contemplating the likelihood of catching a fish from that beach, adjacent to my boss's house where I was house sitting. We'd had a lovely walk to that view. I will miss you so very much my gentle friend!! You never failed to impress me with your knowledge and caring about others.