Decisions

Bob's funeral was held this morning. He is now resting in a most beautiful place beside his parents, very close to where he grew up. The sun shone warmly on all of us and we are certain it was arranged by Bob. We spent some enjoyable time with his family and friends after the service and then made our way down the highway to see Dad at the hospital.

Dad has dramatically worsened and the timing of our visit was perfect, as my sister-in-law and brother were there and we were able to talk with Dad's Dr. and make the decision to stop all efforts at medical improvement and start comfort care. At this point Dad's kidneys have ceased functioning, his lungs are fairly full of fluid, and he is very weak, sleeping most of the time, but he is very uncomfortable emotionally and physically. The comfort care will give him some peace so he can rest and pass without stress. We all were able to talk with Dad and he was his usual loving caring self thinking only of others. He spoke alone with LM and told him how sorry he was to hear about Bob. We went through the list of family members and loved ones and assured him of how much he is loved by all. He quoted my mother, saying "Everything will be alright."
There were a lot of tears.
This can only be a minute to minute thing. I plan to go back in the morning but will take the bad weather coming our way under advisement.

The day was full of synchronous moments, love, levity and sorrow, we are whole and will sally forth to take on tomorrow. It is what Bob and Dad would want. I cannot say that tears are not falling, that hearts do not feel broken, but we know the healing powers of love, prayers and positive thinking are sustaining us.

All is well.....we got through the calling hours buoyed by lots of prayers and positive thoughts. Met so many wonderful friends of Bob's. It was rather joyous and despite the long drive back in thick fog and heavy rain, we are up and ready after 3 hrs sleep and off to the funeral.

Dad is very unstable and I will be anxious to get to see him this afternoon. Trish said yesterday that he was really struggling. We talked about getting hospice/comfort care for him so he can rest a little easier. Painful for us but wise for him.

Be back tomorrow sometime.

Vision

The next few days will be challenging, and so I am going to take a break from writing. Today I just fell off the edge of grief into a puddle of tears. It did not help that I woke this morning with very little vision in my right eye. I saw an opthamologist this afternoon and all his testing was inconclusive. He wants me to wait a few days before we search any further for a cause. At this point I think it may just be from all the stress. There is a very serious history of macular degeneration in my family but that does not seem to be a cause in my case.

The hospital was not able to get Dad stable enough to move him to the nursing home this week as planned. I await news on him tonight. Worry about him hovers in my mind, moving back and forth from front to back as LM and I prepare to attend Bob's wake and funeral this weekend.

So my third eye vision tells me I better take a break, rest and try to meditate to regain my composure. I had a complete meltdown of tears while visiting with LM after the eye appointment. I actually stopped by to see him for a very nice reason, other than the fact that he is an angel.....one of our very dear friends sent flowers to us today in honor of Bob....a beautiful arrangement of spring flowers and even some hydrangeas! He was thrilled to have them and we set them in the center of Bob's antique mahogany dining room table. THANK YOU, Nan!! We love you!

I'll be back and wish everyone peace and love.

"Attacked by a Morning Dove"

A message from Ms G.....

This morning while I waited for my mom to finish her workout (if mom would only understand that she just needs to sit all the time and be my couch), I was killing time birdwatching at the little feeder on the guest room window....here and there I watched the goldfinches, a few chickadees and my favorite cardinal. They all seemed unfazed by my presence and the sun was filling my perch on the back of a chair, mere inches from the window that holds the feeder. All of a sudden kerplunk, a "huge" morning dove landed in the feeder, nearly scaring me to death and causing me to chatter very loudly as he sat there eating. Truly it was a major event in my day and he sure looked like a tasty morsel, alas, no matter how hard I charged the window, I couldn't catch him and the beautiful dove had a few bites and flew away. Just wanted my fan club to know how exciting life can be here. Now, if I could just get my mom to stay home all the time, better yet, if LM would come over and visit soon, my life would be purrfect. Something is up with him, not sure what, but I have a sneaky feeling my mom may be packing me up in the carrier and I may go to a new place. Oh, oh!
Headbutts, purrs, soft pats and sweet glances to all.

Tuesday Tidbits

What a lovely day! Awoke on my own, not to loud barking, only sweet Ms G to purr softly as we went through our regular routine.
When my boss arrived he brought me the lovely necklace above, that they purchased from a French artisan. The stone is an onyx. I just love it! He gleefully told me there was nary a bark to be heard at their house last night. I prefer to believe that they were so tired from the transatlantic flight that they did not hear it! LOL.

After work I had to drive to Orleans for a meeting and from the moment I stepped out the office door, I was treated to lovely sights in nature (or maybe I have just not been looking beyond myself enough lately). On the phone wires there was a pair of doves, under and back lit by the golden/pink wash of sunset. Could they have delivered the peace I felt today? As I drove toward Orleans I saw several great blue herons wading in tidal areas, also lit by the beautiful early evening light.

LM's visit with the attorney went well, still much to unfold. We are choosing to only think about a positive outcome. The details of the will are not being divulged to the niece and nephews until after the memorial service on Saturday.
Life is beginning to move forward....LM is home making a huge batch a chili tonight to take to his fishing group tomorrow.
Dad will be moved from the hospital to a nursing home in the morning. There seems to be a positive flow, and Ms G is happily having lap time! All well in the world at this moment.
Your many prayers and positive thoughts have been so helpful! Thank you.

Miracle Monday

After a relaxing evening watching the Oscars, and a comparatively long sleep until 4:45 am, I awoke to barking and silently recited my survival mantra of "one more night." It sort of felt good and after the doggies were settled down for the morning, my trusty car was taking me home to see Ms G and get ready for work. Shortly after I got to the office, I learned that my boss and his wife would be home from Paris today and not tomorrow! I could feel my spirit soar and the rest of the day was great.
In other good news, Dad is fairly stable. He is still very weak and it will take some time for him to recover from the pneumonia. Dear Trish is already making arrangements for Dad to go to the nursing facility were he was several years ago and was very happy with the care. Dad even showed some sense of humor today when Trish visited. I so much want to be there but I am very tired and know I cannot push myself. It is such a long drive.

Now we need a miracle Tuesday, as it is the day of LM's meeting with the attorney regarding Bob's will. The relatives will be notified of the wishes in the will within a few days.....this is a tense time and I know LM is very concerned. We do not want to have to deal with any negativity/contesting, etc, regarding Bob's choice of leaving the house, contents, car and a considerable amount of money to LM. It could also create an uneasy situation at the memorial service on Saturday. We would much rather just have Bob back and not deal with any of this but that is not to be. LM has been using this interim to get himself back on track. He resumes teaching tonight, and today he began the process of having his own fishing related radio show. Healing begins, life goes on.

This day ended with a most brilliant sunset that lit my way home, all the electric/telephone wires along the road were glowing beautifully and the front of my house, right into the living room turned pink for about 10 minutes. I think the universe was very glad I was on my way home to stay for awhile. I know Ms. G is.

Tonight I am zoning out by watching some Tales of the City DVD's.

News from the Land of Barking

Ah, yes, this masochistic woman is dog sitting AGAIN and getting little or no sleep due to barking that only begins at 2 am. Before my dear boss left for another trip to Paris, I was warned that they have called Bark Busters but help will not be arriving for a few weeks and even then it will be awhile before the problem is cured. Last night was a heyday for Ms Liza and once started at 2 she never gave up. All ideas were exhausted and so am I.
I am still feeling quite depressed and sort of "blank" interspersed with tears. I've added one more issue to try to juggle amidst all the grief. Dad was hospitalized yesterday with breathing difficulties and has been diagnosed with pneumonia. Dear son, Jason, went up to visit him today and he is quite weak. Having just experienced Bob's death, ultimately from pneumonia, it is so sad. We all know Dad is nearly 97 and is suffering from kidney failure but I am not ready to lose him right now.

Anyway, I cannot leave the Cape because of the dogs so I am relying on other family members to keep me informed. I'm keeping busy and today went over to LM's and helped him to do a lot of cleaning. Nice to be with him and he cooked me a lovely dinner of fresh flounder. YUM.

So, even though I keep thinking I will feel better, things keep pulling me down....I am just giving myself freedom to feel it, knowing full well better days are coming.

On the plus side today, while at LM's I allowed myself to look around the nice grounds and dream of a little garden, even several little gardens. We are planning to do a new rose garden in Bob's memory in which we will place some of his lovely garden statuary.

In a Trance

As I float along from day to day, doing what needs to be done, I find I am skimming....just dealing with the bare necessities, resting as much as possible and only dealing with what I can handle.
Staying at my boss's very zen-like house, affords me even more space to just zone out. The dogs have been behaving well so far, and have promised me there will be no bad stuff like the last time their "parents" went to Paris.
LM is dealing day to day, too, and is also subdued. It is OK.
The weekend is bringing a visit from Bob's niece and nephew to pick up some paperwork and clothing for the memorial service which will be held next week. Their visit creates some tension for LM and I plan to be with him at his request. I think he feel a bit "out of place" in Bob's home right now, even though he has lived there for a long time and it is Bob's wish for him to have the house and contents.
I have invites from friends to do things this weekend but just am not inclined, so will lay low.
I'll be back in a few days.....Happy weekend!

Acts of Loving Kindness

Today did not start off feeling like it was going to be a good day, as I had only been able to sleep until 2 am before the committee in my head began a meeting and it was all down hill from there despite my greatest efforts at meditative breathing, etc. Anyway, I forced my feet onto the floor at 5 am and did 1/2 hr of low-impact aerobics.

When I opened my e-mail, there was a very sweet "I love you" surrounded by hearts and flowers which had been sent to me at 1:20 am.....guess dear LM was also unable to sleep.

There were other e-mails from many blog friends to start my day.

It was pretty cold and frosty when I stepped out to go to work and after a few deep breaths the day began to get better.

After being at work an hour or so, my dear co-worker, Nancy came up behind me and gently laid a heated neck warmer over my shoulders. There was an immediate release of some major tension.

A noon time trip to the post office brought me the most beautiful card and letter from my high school best friend, Lynne and her husband, containing the most lovely words and prayers.

There are crocuses coming up in gardens around town.

Fewer tears, so much love.

Alien Moods

Having read lots about grief, I know it can take many forms. In order to let it wash over me, I am just treating myself gently and having frequent moments when I am filled with tears, memories and conflict. More often than not, I am in a stony stare. It is painful that this loss brings me back to other losses and they seem to be forming a ball of pain in my heart.
LM is feeling a lot of the same and we sort of check in with each other to talk it out.....he less able to be forthcoming about his sadness, although it is very evident. He has so much to do related to the estate.
There is no way of knowing how long this will take....how we will deal with the memorial service and burial on 2/28, but I do know we will be close to each other and get through it somehow. It is complicated by the fact LM has inherited Bob's estate.

Meanwhile, it was a beautiful day with everything covered by a thick blanket of snow. As long as I can see the beauty, I know I am OK.
To shore me up a bit, I have tightened up my healthy eating and making sure I exercise each day, as that always seems to keep my emotions on a more even keel.

Once again, I want to say to all my readers how very grateful I am for all the loving support. Each little "hug" and warm regard is so meaningful. What wonderful friends!

Conspicuous in his Absence

This long weekend was truly a gift to me, a time to begin the healing process from Bob's loss and and a time for LM and I to be alone together and find "us" again. We spent a good deal of time cleaning and organizing at Bob's house and it looks so much better - back to the way he kept it with some streamlined improvements. We've made a big dent in the process of gathering all the paperwork, and after many trips to the transfer station, it is a lot less cluttered with medical care mess which had amassed. With the help of my daughter, Sara and husband, Richie. We got rid of an old mattress and the non-functioning TV and had a chance for a little visit with their sweet Samantha who came along to help. They also picked up the twin bed which Bob had been going to give them for a long time, but never got done. It will be Samantha's "big girl" bed, beginning tonight. She is cuddling the Valentine pillow I gave her for her new bed! There is now a beautiful new flat screen TV!! We have done some discussion about me moving there but I am approaching that change very slowly and deliberately. We need to have legal things in place to safeguard my future, etc. There is also much to do first. Fun to think about, but plans must be prudent and proceed slowly over the next year.

We spent a lot of time talking about Bob.....I catch sadness in LM's face at times but he keeps on going and doing what he must as executor of Bob's estate. The grief is strange. Today, I had lunch with a great and inspiring friend and as we were discussing Bob, I burst into tears. It was totally unexpected and took a few minutes to catch my composure. It is hard to describe what a dear friend and loyal supporter he was of my relationship with LM. A very sweet thing.

Saturday evening was the first time LM has spent any length of time at my house in over three months. We settled in to watch a movie and within 1 minute, Ms G was in his lap, her sweet warm body was against his chest and she seemed to be doing her best to absorb his grief. This went on all night. She is a dear creature and LM was overtaken with emotion at her tenderness.
Below is the sweet girl, soaking up some heat from the table lamp. The white spot on her neck seems to be glowing like the star she is Love that cat.
So there is lots of love around right now, yet a pensiveness pervades, as we are feeling a terrible void where Bob used to be.
Today, after I had lunch in town, I brought LM a bouquet of daffodils to brighten "his" house, and some food I had cooked this morning. He just needs extra nurturing after all he has given of himself. Me too, and I am getting plenty of it right back.

Ahhhhhhhh

......that's the sound of happiness from my corner today. It is all relative, nonetheless, life is peaceful, sweet and Ms G is happily herding LM around as he does his morning routine here.

So, I'm taking a little time away from here to savor sunny day with my Valentine. It's a long weekend for me and I have several nice things planned and LM and I are going to working around "his" house today.

Freaky Date with Destiny

Amidst our grief for Bob, today is a very important anniversary of sorts.....When these pictures were taken last year as we took a Sunday morning walk on Lighthouse Beach, it was about 10 degrees with 30-40 M.P.H. winds, but we were thoroughly enjoying the briskness and beauty, not to mention our love. We were fresh off our Dec-Jan two week road trip to FL,

and lovin' life, as my dear daughter always says. Little did we know, that as we breathed in that wonderful cold air, LM was experiencing the first stages of a heart attack which would cause him to "die" and be brought back on 2/13, and on Valentine's Day result in a quadruple by-pass. Obviously, LM has made a wonderful recovery and we are so so grateful to have had another year together.
This morning, I am remembering, Bob's role in his recovery and my emotional recovery, as well. He was by my side as we waited during surgery, prayed together, and got each other through, as well as LM. When LM was discharged, it was Bob who took care of LM day and night, because I finally had to return to work. Interesting how life turned that around in the past few months as LM took care of Bob through his death. We feel so fortunate to have experienced these events, as sad as they were, and are reflecting on them today. They were love at its finest.

For LM, 2/13 is a double whammy, as today is the anniversary of the death of his former partner/love, Lillian. That's a lot of sadness I've put down right here, but through each of those events has come renewal, great love and joy.

We feel that today, as we are going forward.

Seeing that LM went to VERY EXTREME methods to avoid Valentine's Day last year, we are looking forward to tomorrow.....media-created love fest that it is, we are such romantics at heart and are falling for it.....we will celebrate our hearts and our love with a lot of gratitude, and maybe a piece of chocolate! We will also remember, with great humility and thanks, the caring and quick action of the staff at Cape Cod Hospital who saved LM's life, and also those who very compassionately eased the end of Bob's life. I must also praise LM's wise decision to get himself to the hospital when he felt a very sharp pain in his shoulder and neck. One would not have thought a heart attack was causing that pain, and initially, it was thought to be a muscle ache; even an EKG was normal. It was the raised enzyme level on a blood test which caused concern and the decision to have LM admitted for observation. He was in a room directly across from the nurse's station when massive heart failure occured at 4 am the following morning and with very quick professional action, they were able to bring him back. The rest is history. He is with us and healthy!

Plans for a memorial for Bob are taking shape and will most likely occur in two weeks. Meanwhile, LM is making good progress doing his job as executor and getting some much needed rest, as well, as doing some cleaning in Bob's house. Bob left me a collection of antique Valentine's and they will be very poignant as I enjoy them tomorrow.
Thank, you, thank you, to all who have stopped by here and left comments or sent emails. They have helped more than you could ever know.
May your Friday the 13th be fun and a little bit freaky!!

Aftermath

The confusion of feelings right now has me sleepless. I cannot stop the speeding carousel in my brain. Spent more than 4 hours going through and organizing papers (bad choice but productive) at Bob's house last night. Made LM a dinner. It was just us. Surreal. Laughter, sadness, surprising revelations, and exhaustion overtook our emotions. There were lots of phone calls and finally, I had to come home. More info during the day today about arrangements for a memorial service, but it will not take place for several weeks. Strange limbo feeling. LM has so so much to do.
Sleep eluded me after a brief 1 hour nap from 11 pm-midnight. This is all so much more complicated than we expected. We remind ourselves that it is an almost year-long process to have things settled. It will be a time when I have to make life-changing decisions. But, right now, it is day to day, and helping LM to cope. We realize there is such a huge void....everyday for so many months has been filled with caring for Bob, now there is nothing but the detritus of that life.
Thank you EVERYONE for all the love and special notes. It helps so much. The light of day will bring perspective and, of course, a trip to the ocean before work.

LM and Bob at the beach in North Chatham last Spring:
Update:
I forget who sings the song "I Love a Rainy Night" but it could be my theme song, as I can always sleep beautifully on such nights.....as I finished what I was writing here about 3:00 am, and decided to try to sleep again, I heard a lovely soft rain beginning to fall!! What a gift and after a few meditative breaths, I was able to drift off. I found this photo above and thought it appropriate for this time....they were contemplating the likelihood of catching a fish from that beach, adjacent to my boss's house where I was house sitting. We'd had a lovely walk to that view. I will miss you so very much my gentle friend!! You never failed to impress me with your knowledge and caring about others.

Bob

Bob died today at 2:30 pm.

Thank you to so many for all your kindness and prayers.

Time to be with my love and help him through this transition. He has lost his dear, dear friend of many years.

No News

Still waiting.....sat by Bob's bed with LM for hours.....very caring nurses keeping Bob and LM comfortable. He is on morphine to ease his breathing, and off any sort of life support. LM insisted I come home and sleep. It was fleeting. Bob was so very frail and unresponsive last night. Early afternoon yesterday he was able to smile upon seeing LM. Never thought Bob would make it through the night but he is still alive this morning, just barely. LM still by his side.

Trying to get ready for work. Painful to be away from LM...so sad for Bob but he is no longer aware or suffering. Cancer is so bad....!

LIFE Goes On

Teddy December 24, 2008

Teddy, February 7, 2009!

As we continue the watch of Bob's decline, with not much time to get out into nature, I remembered that I had the perfect example of life going on in a most beautiful form, right on my camera. Ah, sweet happiness, sweet life: Baby Teddy!! (I will have to give up the baby prefix at some point but I'm enjoying it way too much right now!!)

LM had such a stressful day yesterday. He was at the hospital for 12 hours meeting with various medical people, and some distant relatives of Bob's who came to visit. Bob is unable to talk, and clear his lungs. We wait. I watched the caller ID on my work phone all day, waiting for "The call." Doctors said yesterday morning that Bob would not live more than 2-3 days. There should be an easier way, is all I can say.

LM urged me not to drive all the way in town to the hospital last night so I stayed home and baked!!! Seems I am morphing totally into my mother. I know she baked to cope!!
For a distraction I watched the movie, "Dreamgirls" and loved it. The music and performances were great. I'm a little behind with a lot of movies, so it was a good night to hide out in the make believe!

True Love

Sunday.....Amidst the continuing pain of Bob's impending death, I took time to visit baby Teddy and his parents today. Watching and listening to my dear son and his wife adore their new son, whom they waited so long to welcome into their lives, filled my heart to the brim! With a beautiful sunny day and Teddy in my arms, I walked around the house to each window and we looked out together, we looked in mirrors, we looked in each others' eyes and I just felt so in love with him all over again.

Before the drive to have my fill of baby love, I stopped at the nursing home to see Bob. He'd been there since Friday night and was very unhappy in a too small room, with a noisy roommate and only able to whisper "I want to go home." It has been heart wrenching. LM was so taken up with it all day Saturday that he was unable to come over to be with me that night. I found myself in a place of feeling resentful, sad and crying a lot. I managed to spare LM most of what I felt, but did tell him that I was feeling sad and missing him and he apologized, but really, there is nothing he can do and my snit is certainly not rational, only a release of emotion. We are caught up in something we cannot change, we must see it through. We both truly love Bob and need to be strong as we ease him through this part of his life.
Yesterday morning, we met and went to see Bob briefly and as I leaned in close to his face to hear him, I was shocked to hear that his chest seemed very congested. He was also very confused today. We left with sinking hearts, uttering prayers for Bob, holding each other tighter than usual.
I'd no sooner arrived to visit with the baby than LM called to tell me that Bob was on the way to the hospital as he had worsened rapidly. Once again, we spent a long afternoon and evening at the ER.
It is a matter of waiting now.......parting at the hospital was so difficult, going home to separate homes last night was torture......LM concerned that I need to sleep and work in the morning. I KNOW he went back in to the hospital and sat there even longer into the night. I await word on the night.

Sunshiney Saturday

So.........I should be cleaning, I should be baking the lemon pudding cake which I promised to bring Bob later, and I should be having a shower and making my self presentable (my landlord stopped by a few minutes ago and got to see the lovely vision I am unshowered with bed hair, etc)......SHOULD is the operative word here. My "slovenly" self just wants to be free of shoulds...I'll get to it all, I always do, but right now I am just wanting to write, mostly about nothing, but I just seldom have the time to just do what I want. Ms G is busy watching the heavy bird traffic at the feeder and following spots of sun around the house. What a life!

This week I've had a very amazing event take place. For over 40 years I have been missing my best friend from high school....off and on I would try to find her, to no avail, but she would frequently re-surface in my mind, and many places I have visited would remind me of times we shared. This was not an ordinary friend, this was someone who's friendship took me away from my little life as a farmgirl, we spent parts of two HS summers together with her family in the "big city" of Washington, DC. Her parents were foreign diplomats and it opened up a whole new world to me.
Thanks to cyber-space I have found her through a blog created by her nephew. There has been much writing back and forth and sharing our life experiences in the long span of time which separated our lives. My mind is spinning with the memories which are flooding back of my young years and hearing her life stories, as well. It is the greatest feeling, a gift!

In other news....I went over to LM's last night after work......OMG, he has such a mess to clean up in that house. When Bob was healthy, the house was in perfect order and now, how very quickly it became so filled with the needs of an invalid. I asked LM if he wanted my help getting it back in order but he said no, that he would get it done. The analyst in me says he is just not getting to it because he is depressed about what has happened with Bob, and with John going back to jail. He has thrown himself into writing letters in appeal for John and using those things to delay thinking about what is happening in his immediate life. Aren't we all guilty of those diversionary tactics??? Look at me this morning. Anyway, I got a royal greeting, a huge hug, and a "let's go see Bob, and then I am taking you to dinner."

Speaking of John, yesterday afternoon, LM was able to arrange a 3-way phone conversation so that I could speak to him along with John. John is doing as well as can be expected and I was very happy to hear that he has already signed up to complete his GED. He's been needing to do this. It was hopeful to hear those words. Maybe he needed to go back. Sad as it is. It is a very big strain for LM, though, as each week he must put money in an account for John, the phone privileges are very expensive and he makes two visits a week. More drain on what reserves LM has. Someday, I hope John will be able to see what a toll this has taken on his father. LM never complains, just does, and lovingly.

Bob's was moved to a local nursing home, into a crowded room with another man who clearly has Alzheimer's disease, and who has TV blaring continuously, as well as a loud oxygen machine. We have no answers about what the plan is for Bob so that poses more uncertainty. Now we have to wait until Monday to know more. Hospice we hope.
We shared a nice dinner but it is obvious that LM's mind is spinning out of control. After that, I went grocery shopping - just my least favorite thing to do at 9:30 pm after a glass of wine...knowing that LM then had to go back to the house, pack some clothes and other necessities for Bob and go back to the nursing home.

I know it is one of my "faults" that I cannot deal with too much clutter.....I mean, after all, I usually clean closets and drawers when I am stressed, but how do I stop taking on "the clutter" of Bob's illness....both physical and emotional? Truly, I could sweep into that house and have the whole thing in perfect order in one day!! But, not my job...I do know the drill....I need to just let go, pray for Bob to have comfort, as well as LM, do something positive for myself and let LM make the decisions which are best for him at the time.
So, LM claims he is coming to my house tonight, ostensibly because he misses sleeping with Ms G....
Lot's of thinking out loud here....I am now over and out. On to my tasks at hand.
Happy weekend.....tomorrow I will visit Baby Teddy....YUM!

Friday

5 degrees here this morning.....a golden/pink glow is lighting up the view out my window of Oyster Pond. Many birds at the feeder and the cardinals are so lovely, perching on the frozen privet branches as they await their turn at the feeder. Trying to take myself to July when the privet blooms and the scent fills my rooms. Not successful, though, as I cannot seem to penetrate the cold outside, inside and deeper, still, in my mind. I seem to be numb right now. Have I just shut down?
Am I just plain tired of fighting the fight to keep my sanity while so many I love and care about are suffering and fighting their own battle to cope?

Once, again, a rally must prevail and work beckons successfully. After all, I just need to look out the window and see all the little birds industriously feeding and preparing themselves for their survival on this frigid winter day.

Bob may be discharged today but we know not where he will go....could be home, or a nursing facility. LM will find out this morning. I do not know how LM can continue to do the home care. Scary.

Chatham Winter Beauty

We awoke to a beautiful fresh snowfall this morning so I was out of the house early, in time to take some photos around town. I love the deep gray skies, as they create such dramatic setting for the snow. At one point during the day today, we had brilliant sunshine and everything just sparkled. Click on any of the photos to embiggen.
Looking S toward Stage Harbor Lighthouse.
One of our completed projects....
Stage Harbor
Another completed project
My favorite view....Lighthouse Beach SE
SE
Seagulls in the sand
NE
SE...there was a lovely strip of pink lighting the eastern horizon this morning.
These photos reflect a dramatic beginning to an emotional day.....John was returned to jail today. Very sad all the way around. He has been working full-time, supporting himself, living on his own, attending counseling and being a model citizen, BUT, the judge would not consider anything but the fact that he was found riding in a stolen car within a month of his release last June. One very STUPID move on John's part has cost him another year of his life. He will come up for parole again next February. So so sad. A hard life lesson to learn and now he must pay. It is just, except for the toll on his dear father. He will be 21 when next released.

Bob finished chemo today and tonight the discussion is on as to where he will go....home with hospice, a hospice facility or a nursing home. It will be decided tomorrow morning.

As for me, I am escaping into a movie and being a cat couch for the evening.

Diversions

Whaaaaaaaat????

We have two Bob's in our life, and the feline version cannot quite understand what all the fuss is about. Isn't the dishwasher the perfect place to take a nap??

Dear friend, Bob is still in the hospital, receiving the third and last day of chemo, and is stable for today.
Maybe being moved to hospice tomorrow or Friday.

Beautiful snow pictures coming later.

Wow, does it feel good to have the Obamas in the White House! HOPE

Groundhog Day

Random musings of a farmgirl. They call February 2nd Groundhog Day but in these parts those critters have always been known as woodchucks....on our farm they were plentiful and my black lab, aptly named, Blackie, made it his career to root out every woodchuck he could find......his paws always covered with dirt from the constant digging and funniest of all, his nose was always covered with dirt from trying to force his nose down the deep holes made by his furry quests. Blackie also loved to come in the house and plunk himself in the bed to leave a nice muddy mess. His other favorite pursuit was chasing cats in the house. I have vivid memories of him curled up sleeping under the coffee table, only to leap up suddenly to chase a passing cat, sending the table, and all on it, flying.
Anyway, this was really about woodchucks.... Yesterday Punxatawny Phil made his yearly appearance to announce whether or not winter would go on for 6 more weeks.....he says it will this year. Meanwhile, up here in Massachusetts we have our very own groundhog or woodchuck and TA DA, her name is Ms. G!!! Really, it is.....she lives north of Boston and from footage on the news yesterday, she lives high off the "hog." She emerged yesterday and announced that winter is over.....cannot prove that by me today as we are having snow all day!
My Ms. G does not seem to be phased by the fact that a famous woodchuck shares her name, and she has been continuing her winter behavior of nesting in my bed all day. Last night as the barometer began to drop with the aproaching storm, she did spend several hours running around and playing "fetch" with me, and this morning, all the bathroom rugs were askew.
Frisky = SPRING to me and I am ready!!

All these inanities are a diversion from the fact that Bob remains in the hospital this morning. After a night of receiving fluids and anti-biotics, he was more lucid yesterday and there were meetings with Dr's, oncologists, attorneys, and some distant relatives. LM is at full tilt and doing admirably well. He even managed to teach, as scheduled, last night, while I sat with Bob so he wouldn't have to worry. Bob has an aggressive small cell cancer which has spread from his bladder throughout his digestive system. Yesterday afternoon it was decided to do 3 days of heavy chemo. There is a slim chance that it will buy him some time....weeks to months. This gives us more chance to get things in order and, of course, some more time with him. We doubt he could come home again. There are a lot of issues to grapple with here but we are facing them one at a time. After working all day yesterday, then going to the hospital for several hours, I was exhausted and just collapsed in to bed at 9:30.....LM called me after he saw Bob at 10 and hearing my incoherency, he just told me to put down the phone and go back to sleep, remembering how much he loves me...sweet man! There is so much to consider with the fact that LM is now power of atty, decision maker, etc. for Bob. We most of all want Bob to be with us, but reality says it won't happen. It's a restless feeling that makes me want to dig myself a "woodchuck hole" and climb down in to the warm earth for a long nap. Cannot do that and must be "present" to help LM and Bob through this process. For now, Bob is receiving excellent care, he even ate a piece of the apple pie which I had made for him Sunday!!

Weekend Update

On the go all weekend.....with the constant expectation of Bob's loss in the background until yesterday, when we nearly faced it head-on. LM had to call 911 to have Bob taken to the hospital, where he remains this morning. One minute at a time....cancer has spread through much of his body but we await the official answer on that today. They did manage to get all the legal papers completed on Saturday and it was done exactly as Bob wished. His attorney is a good friend and neighbor who was wonderful in pulling it all together and will continue to be an advisor to LM. LM will be executor and inherit the estate. I truly do not know how LM is still standing with all the stress he has had during these past 6 months. We sat with Bob for 7-8 hours yesterday in the ER but he was unresponsive the entire time. He also has a raging UTI. So sad, He did acknowledge our presence once, and we were called on to make the DNR or not choice. LM is working that out with Bob's nephew. Moral dilemma, but I was very proud of how LM put himself in Bob's place, knowing him so well, and was going to base the decision on what he thought Bob would have wished. Still not sure of the final decision on that this morning. Bob rallied enough last night, after hours of fluids, to talk with LM and also talk with me on the phone around midnight. Very weak. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Probably hospice will come in to play. Lots of testing will be done today. At least he is safe and comfortable and LM is not struggling to manage this all at home. The ER care last night was beyond wonderful and they were packed with sick people and other situations. I've never seen it so busy.
LM and I were able to remain very close through this and we supported each other lovingly. They say you can truly judge character from reactions in a situation like this...LM is a saint in my estimation. He got home from the hospital after 1 this morning yet took time to write me a sweet e-mail and thank me for helping him get through the day. I really didn't feel like I did anything but sit by his side and help him to comfort Bob. We did spend a lot of time talking about all Bob has done in his life, and also about the unique friendship those two share. We shed some tears and lots of laughs over those memories. We also talked about all the practical matters which will be facing us when Bob dies. Precious moments. LM never knew how often Bob would call me in the evening and just chat like a best girlfriend....we had a lot of fun in the few years I have been part of the picture, and I am blessed to be his friend. Here's hoping there are some days left when the three of us can have some more laughs and sharing. Also, there will now be time to discuss the DNR/resuscitate? breathing tube? We want Bob to answer on his own.
I will come back later today with an update on Bob.

There were some fun and sweet moments on the weekend, too. Saw baby Teddy, Dad (thriving right now), my dear friend Sue made me Ginger tea and we shared a lovely visit on Saturday night. Talked with lots of my siblings, too.