Unrest

LM's first night home was very unsettled. Swallowing continues to be a major issue, thus taking the many pills is agony and eating anything more than broth or apple juice is not possible. I am worrying about the fact that he has had no protein which is so necessary to healing. Anemia is also an issue and he needs iron. He had little or no sleep because he had the feeling his heart kept stopping. This seems like it is anxiety related and not reality but I have no idea if this is a common feeling post-heart failure/surgery. From his description, I would surmise that the feeling in his throat may be a gland which is inflammed due to the breathing tube. These are issues he needs to take up with the Doctor on the phone tomorrow as the VNA nurse just seemed to ignore discussion of them. LM is easily stressed, sporting a deep frown which doesn't seem to leave his face. So hard for him to get comfortable but Bob and I did our best tonight. He has such awful bruises on his body and the area where they inserted the heart catheterization
probe in his groin is very sore.
Today was a very stressful day for me, too. At times I feel like I am looking down on this whole ordeal for LM, and other times, I feel it so intensely that I feel like running away and hiding. There is no way I would. We will get through this and I feel guilty for even thinking about myself, but I do know if I don't, I will not be able to be there for my love. Tonight the man I love is not there....just pain and unrest.....he will emerge from all this and we will come back around together united in his recovery. I miss our life together.....there is unrest all around.

PS....I really needed to come back and say there were several glimmers of my LM today...he called my office and, as in the pre-surgery days, he said "Ah, I love that voice" when I answered the phone. Then tonight he looked at me once and gave me his cute double raise of the eyebrows, and he wanted to touch me tenderly for an ever so brief time before his unrest grabbed him again. I am just gratefully going to sleep now....what I wrote earlier seemed grim and I had to shift my focus to look back on those sweet moments. Gratitude wins out.