Life has been under the brightest spotlights this past week and I am ready for the lights to dim a bit as reality is too harsh at the moment, overwhelming for both LM and me. I was so so tired last night but could not close my eyes, couldn't reach LM on the phone, couldn't eat, although I was very hungry, and body shaking, my mind was racing to all kinds of bizarre what ifs. Bizarre is fun but not when it is a reflection of what one's life is right now or what it could be. Around 10 pm LM called and tearfully described his evening of yet more milestones on his current road....all systems in his body are now working on their own and he is exhausted, but very grateful. Finally I slept for a little while.
This morning at just after 5, the phone rang and there was the sleepy voice of my love saying good morning and telling me about his night. He got up by himself to use the bathroom! We just talked for a little bit....tightening our thread of love and he drifted back to sleep. Once again, I was sobbing but with renewed hope as the sun began to come up over Oyster Pond and brighten my room, I was able to get up and start my day. Back to work....still cathartically sobbing inside but I know I will be surrounded by love and encouragement with my work friends, and tonight I will be back by LM's side to hold him and see his smile. He has lots of company coming today.
Maybe it takes having the bright lights on life to realize just how special and precious it all is. I guess I would rather truly feel than walk through this world in a vacuum of numbness but lets have the intensity be reflected in faces which are loving, not in a struggle for comort and life. I'm such a dreamer.....just talking out loud here to save my sanity.