Saturday, February 23, 2008


Comfort does seem to be elusive today....LM has been having a terrible time sleeping and that is not good, Good rest is vital to his recovery. His mattress is VERY firm so in an effort to correct that, today I acquired a memory foam topper, a new cushy mattress pad and pretty blue-on-blue satin finish sheets. I also brought 4 movies for LM and Bob to watch, tried to pick comedies. Hopefully tonight will be better. Mental comfort is the other state which seems to be absent. LM is so worried about not working, about his friend, Bob, who is his caregiver and a very good one at that, and about me. Now today, I have come down with some sort of malady...bad cough, general exhaustion and very unsettled digestive tract....It could be most anything so I am trying to rest...after a visit to install the new bed comforts with Bob's assistance, I made a quick exit without touching my beloved in an effort to keep him from catching whatever I have. Today he is much more tired than yesterday but I think this is due to how much he accomplished yesterday and also, recovery will bring up and down days. He was much better than when I saw him on Thursday and is moving around more. He has so many sore places on his body! We did discuss how hyper-sensitive his body is right now....just to have someone touch his skin is very disturbing....another aspect of the elusive comfort. The pill swallowing seems to be much easier now.

My sleep was very fitful last night and I think this whole ailment thing with me is due to such prolonged stress. I am trying to rest this afternoon...had to attend the funeral of a dear friend this morning...there is a post about her entitled "Settling" in my early posts from last year (11/29/06). Sad to lose her but she went very peacefully to sleep in her favorite chair last Friday. Our friendship saw us though some tough times and we laughed a lot and had some fun shopping expeditions. Often I would walk to her house at lunch and she just loved to gossip about all her neighbors...her opinions and observations were very entertaining! We shared similar liberal political views and she was often on her soap box in that regard. I will miss those lunches!

Tonight I will be staying at my boss's beautiful home to care for his two retrievers....Boss and wife got stuck in Fl when flights were cancelled due to the snow in Boston yesterday.
I am happy to help them out and they compensate me very generously. The dogs are very funny, loving critters and the diversion will help as I am feleing so lost without my usual weekend time with LM. He is saying often how much he misses "us" too and thinks he may try to come here next weekend.

This whole ordeal of the past 11 days had made me so aware of how reluctant I am to call friends or family to just talk about how I feel right now. When I think of doing it, I feel I am creating such a burden for someone, and being a nuisance. Yet, I have spent countless hours listening and comforting these same people I could call. This has to be a fault and I do not know how to overcome it. I need support and should feel fine asking for it. I will be happy when I can talk with LM again without feeling like I am impeding his recovery. He has been such a good sounding board, and I for him. I did talk with one of my sisters today, and my dear daughter, Anne, last night and that felt Ok but something is missing here with me...feeling bereft. I suppose it goes with the territory and my lack of comfort cannot be solved by buying comfy bed will return and if I just focus on taking care of myself.


islaygirl said...

thinking of you ... just take things day by day, minute by minute if you have to. xx

Beverly said...

I too think of you and LM. Try to remember how insurance co. force pts to leave the hospitals way earlier that in the past. In the past he would still be hospitalized. It is always slow in the recovery phase. Everything happened at a furried pace in the beginning. You need to care for yourself and your time together will soon be happier and not filled with recovery stuff.