The scales which hold our lives are banging and clanging back and forth wildly right now in an attempt to regain center. Everything seems more intense, emotions are running high but we struggle to control them to keep some sense of order and a strong focus on recovery. LM returned home a little after 6 pm yesterday and by the time I arrived at 6:40 or so, he was wrapped in his favorite "blankie" in a wing back chair awaiting the bowl of chicken broth being prepared by Bob. Stress, exhaustion, anxiety and annoyance would best personify my love as I sat across the room watching him. All at once I was so relieved to see him home but so overwhelmed by the changes and how far he has to go yet. For the first time all the incisions were uncovered, bruises and angry red marks mar the body I so treasure. I couldn't seem to reel in my concern and tendency to project on all that is ahead for LM and "us". I struggled to get my emotions in check, to let Bob be LM's caretaker and gracefully leave for home without dissolving in a lake of tears. So much has happened, so much to come. After some sweet glances which seemed to emanate from a veil of pain and uncertainty, LM and I said goodnight and as always he said, "please call me when you are home so I know you are safe and I love you". I could barely see to drive home, the tears flowing as my body and soul repeated my mantra of "stay in the moment", don't project what looks like could happen.....be grateful for the tiny moments of progress....actually major progress, from a week ago.
I guess one could say I am exhausted, anxious, stressed and annoyed that the bubble of love we had been living in until this happened, feels threatened. Perhaps it was my feelings I was projecting onto LM last night. This morning I am switching my focus to all the good that has come from this. One minute, one second at a time today, I will be grateful for the stength I have found through this experience. Our love will be healthier, after a fashion, and we have come through a major life threatening/changing experience together and I will forgive myself for the times of weakness which I have felt....a very hard thing for me to do but it must be if I am going to be whole and balanced to help LM through the myriad of challenges he faces...I am now picturing his very happy face as he exercises and feels the strength in his body return.
I am rambling....time for work.