Unease

In my post about Dad's birthday celebration earlier this week, I left out an event that only a few people even know happened. It caused me some of the deepest pain I have ever felt and the moment has been haunting me ever since. At the back of the photo album I presented to Dad on Sunday, I put four photos of the house where he and my Mother raised all seven of us. In back of this house is the land on which he ran a successful poultry farm, producing hatching eggs, for more than 40 years. When he left this house it was because he could no longer live alone and I know it was a very painful time for him - it was for all of us. When the land and house sold, we all thought the house would be razed and a McMansion would be built in the spot. When a neighbor told us early last summer that the house was being enlarged and renovated and that it was looking very nice, we were all thrilled. Dad has not been by the house since he left in December of 2006. When I told him the news about the renovation, he asked me to take photos. Thus I did.When I showed him the photos on Sunday, my son standing behind me and other family around but not observing closely, Dad blanched and began to cry softly, as did my son. I was so terribly sad to see how painful these photos were for Dad and the pain shadowed the rest of my day and I am still so ashamed of hurting Dad. He never said anything, but did reach out for my hand. He has been profoundly thanking me for the album ever since and has been showing it to everyone so I think the unease which haunts me is coming from being much too sensitive.

So, it has taken a few days for my feelings of being a thoughtless daughter to quiet down. When I got home Sunday night, I even asked LM to just leave and let me have some time alone. I was jumping out of my skin. This morning I woke up and finally felt good. My knee pain has been controlled by the medication (I had an MRI last night and will meet with the surgeon soon), it was a lovely morning and a GREAT hair day - always a barometer for the rest of the day in my world. Things were rolling along beautifully until I began to feel a strange feeling in my mouth in my lower jaw area, where I had nearly $9000. worth of surgery done last year. As soon as I got to work, I called my dentist and he saw me at 1 pm. To cut to the chase, all the work he did last year has failed and I need extensive surgery ASAP to rebuild my lower jaw, remove the last two teeth I have, install two implants and remake a denture. I began to shake all over.....and am still in shock. I've already googled Dr. Kevorkian, and am trying to find a way to get my mind around what is about to happen to me. In late 1999, my teeth all began breaking off and the bones in my face/jaw were discovered to be very brittle. This was the result of radiation for cancer which was done in the early 90's. That began a very long series of surgeries, the last of which was done a little under a year ago and seemed to be completely successful, and finally, I thought, I was done with oral surgery! The price tag on all of it came to $22,000 out of pocket!!! I am still paying a loan on the initial bout. Through the kindness of a family member, I had assistance paying off last year's. Today, I thought my dentist, a very kind man, would cry as he told me what is in store. He said it would cost nearly $10,000 but he would absorb all but $2200 because he feels partly to blame for the failure. He was also very compassionate about the emotional impact this will have on me after all I have been through, and he knows I am facing some imminent surgery on my knee, as well. UGH!!!

Somehow, I must find the fortitude to get through all of this, but I am very uneasy tonight. As much as I try to not spend too much energy worrying about things I cannot control, it just seems this hit has me down for the count. Guilty still about hurting Dad, guilty about burdening those who care and are concerned, guilty about LM especially. He has so much on his mind right now and I do not want to be the cause of more angst for him.

I must put on a happy face, and go about tomorrow as though all is fine.....there was a very bright spot in my day.....LM and I are doing a car run for the local Saturn dealer on Saturday and we get to go to NJ! Another road trip with my love.....it will do wonders to lift my spirits, I know. Maybe I can leave my unease somewhere along the road where it will not hurt anyone else. I will look for just the right spot. I know the foliage will be lovely. We already have found a few interesting places we are going to tour and it will be a fun day.