Monday, January 19, 2009

Triggers

Sounds and scents can really pull the trigger on intense emotions. In another life, I lived in a place of abject fear, and the sound of the automatic garage door opener could make every muscle in my body tighten, and the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I heard the repeated sound of a door opener today.....except I was not near a garage. Where that came from, I do not know, but I was right back to 4.5 years ago. Post traumatic stress seems, most days, to have disappeared, except in my dreams. It makes me physically sick and causes me to shut down my feelings. Painful. It will pass, I have faith in that fact. In another instance today, I looked at a picture which came my way unwittingly, and there was a direct link to the abuser. Maybe I need these reminders of how far I have come, and how I will never have to tolerate bad behavior again

I am channeling the angst by cleaning out drawers and watching endless episodes of Mad Men...a good place to hide out.

As I was cleaning, the scent trigger came in to play and it was pleasant.....a little sample packet of Chanel #5....one my mother's favorite scents. Took me away from the sound of the garage door and tapped in to a different sense. Pleasant.....and now I smile as Ms G, my ever present sweet distraction is engagng me in play. She brings me her little Nerf ball and drops iton the keyboard for me to throw.
Just a little bit of my quiet MLK day at home.....reflective, as it should be, and how nice that so many are full of hope right now. Me, too!

4 comments:

islaygirl said...

Sending you warm hugs. You are very brave -- both to have survived and then had the guts to tell the tale. xx

I wear No 5, and every morning when i put it on i think of my parents going out to dinner and my mom all dressed up.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

K,
Thanks for sharing your scent memory, too. I have many, many more of them - the smell of dill pickles in brine, the scent of rising bread, lilacs, and roses.
What a happy day this is!!
Always nice to her from you...how are you??

One Woman's Journey said...

I know about the memories that seem to emerge from the depth of our being. Something triggers them or they come in the night in a dream. We know we have forgiven, thought forgotten and gone on and then the fear, sadness and other emotions arise. They do not linger long and we do not need to dwell on them. Yes, we have come a long way. Thanks for sharing. When we share we realize that others have taken this path also. I understand.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Ernestine....there is such a wonderful feeling to discover that so many are on similar paths. It has changed my life and my perspective in countless ways. Hope it has warmed up there.