Monday, March 23, 2009

Anticipation

For as long as I can remember, I've been living with a feeling of dread, anxiousness and a heaviness in my soul which is hard to describe. It seemed to underlay everyday of my life. It is now very conspicuous in its absence. After 3 days of exhaustion last week, the clouds lifted and I feel like a new person. I find myself looking for the angst, and it just is not there. It is strange and I feel disloyal, as I wonder if I should be feeling profound grief right now, or if it will hit me later. Is this normal after an aged parent passes?? I just do not know, so I am choosing to savor these very happy lighthearted feelings. Even being with the dogs this weekend has not seemed any effort at all - nary a bark has been heard - it leads me to suppose they had been picking up on my mental state in my prior visits.

Ms G managed to elude capture by LM on Friday and I had to do the dirty deed Friday night. Oh my, was she upset and that was painful. After whisking her quickly from a loving moment on my lap into her loathed cat carrier, we were off on the 11 mile trip to LM's house, as she screamed, hyperventilated and then threw up. She has made a fair adjustment to being in a new environment. The first night, after 45 minutes or so, she appeared, and was playful with LM and ate a few treats, but the next day she was under an upstairs bed until 7 pm or so. We did see evidence that she had come downstairs in the night and had some food. LM is so "sad" that she hasn't been getting in bed with him but he is "talking" to her all day as he putters around the house. I've been visiting awhile in the evening and she makes brief appearances. We decided to leave her there until I return from the Bahamas on April 8. I do feel I may not get my "baby girl" back when I get home, as LM loves her so much.
On Saturday afternoon, LM and I worked for a solid 4 hours cleaning Bob's house. We packed all the clothes and they will go to donation this morning, and I went through mountains of saved paper work, sorting, pitching and saving just the important papers. That evening LM cooked me a lovely meal of halibut and fresh vegetables and we watched a wonderful old movie, "Fate is the Hunter." A perfect day!

Yesterday afternoon, I went to visit a friend of a friend who has just had a knee replacement. It is such rigorous surgery, and I wanted to offer some encouragement, seeing I am a "survivor" of those rigors. She was feeling very discouraged and having the tearful depression that is so common. We had a great visit and she seems to be way ahead of where I was at 6 days post surgery. Right now she is at a rehab center here in town and will stay about 8 days. I heard through the friend grapevine that she felt much better after we talked. I assured her that she will "love" her new knee in about 6 months.

Last night, I had dinner with one of my dearest friends and we talked about the transitions life is offering us right now - he out of work and needing to be tapping his creativity - and I found myself looking toward my own creativity as now I have the time to maybe quilt again! MMMMMM, things to ponder, but first, the rest of this week will be finishing my packing for the trip and winding up two more days with the dogs. BTW, I think Barkbusters has done wonders for those two wily critters. There was one bark and that is it! Of course, I had a bit of training on how to be "Leader of the Pack" and that was interesting. Seems to work though.....applies to my own life, too!
Meanwhile, I am dreaming of turquoise beaches, swaying palms and sunshine, on this cold and dark 30 degree morning. I will try to share as much of the warmth as I can!

1 comment:

Happy Days said...

I can speak only for myself but when my daddy died I thought my world would never be the same. He had alzheimers for 10 years, developed a brain tumor and finally passed away. I had prayed for years that God would take him and save my mom from all his mean behavior, his crying, and his fearfulness. She kept him home for 10 years by herself. After he died, I felt so much guilt for wanting him to pass on and then I found myself feeling happy for my mom and thinking she will finally have a life and daddy will no longer have pain. I understand what you are going through and I think that its "OK" to feel that way. I had a long talk with our minister and he helped me work out a lot of guilty feelings mixed with feelings of relief. I think you are just feeling normal feelings - good feelings. That doesn't mean you won't feel hurt and miss him terribly. You will, but I think you are having healthy feelings. Have a super duper time laying on the Beach!! I am leaving for the mountains for 3-4 days and am excited about that! Leaving in an hour!!...debbie