Saturday, May 30, 2009


An anvil on my chest upon awakening
Unbearable pressure of unspent tears in my eyes, face and throat
Not wanting to get dressed, go out, talk with others
An irritability and hyper-critical impatience with those I love, namely LM
Making bad decisions about eating
Choking with ineptitude as I attempt to share how this feels with others, and sure that I am just a burden in my grief
Crushing remorse for not being more emotionally stable right now, for making others worry.
A vicious circle
How can my emotions crash so dramatically from one day to the next? Is this common in grief?

Just mumbling aloud here this morning as I struggle to face a day with many shoulds....there is a lot to be done in preparation for Teddy's christening tomorrow and I want to feel all the joy and love that surrounds this special time. Somehow I will.
Saturday was our day....a lovely ride, sharing all our news, having lunch out. Little presents.
He would be so proud today to know that Teddy's christening is tomorrow, and that Sam, Trish and family are right now cycling their way from Boston to Craigville (100 miles) for the Best Buddies fund raiser.


One Woman's Journey said...

Thinking of you. Understand your grief over your father. I will be bold concerning your other heartache. From reading your post for months I sense a very caring and giving person. I will be bold with Advice - for once in your life - take care of YOURSELF!!!
You have had enough heartache for a lifetime. You may want to delete this and you will not hurt my feelings. I understand and care.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It is hard to realize that he is gone. But, not really gone. He lives in your heart and you have all those wonderful memories that you can bring up and think about and smile when ever you want. Share them with your friends, write about him. Talk to him. It will just take time. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep busy with your beautiful quilt, and work and LM and Grasea and all us sweet, nifty swifty Blogger friends. Will keep you in my prayers...debbie

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

Sorry you are going through this tough time. I don't know of anything that we can say that will lighten the ache in your heart. But time will help. Its been 6 years since I lost both my parents and I still catch myself in a funk of loss. You are doing what is good. Surrounding yourself with the life of your family and your grandson. Just as your dad would and would wish.

I have found that from time to time I can almost feel the presence of either one or both of my parents. Some may call this strange or wishful, but to me it is unexplainable. To me it seems to occur when I am particularly attuned, a sound in the wind, a sense of presence. I wish this experience for you.

I once read about "pennies from heaven". A lighthearted thought that the appearance of a stray penny or coin signifies is a brief visit from a lost family member or friend. I now find that I can not pass a stray penny without stopping to pause and say "hello". A little strange perhaps, but who really knows about any of this.

I send you warm thoughts. If your Dad can be with you I am sure that in your deepest feelings of loss that he is hugging you tightly.


Poppy said...

Boy oh boy do I identify with your feelings!