Monday, June 30, 2008

Helping Hands

Life has been handing me a lot of adversity and challenges lately, and somedays I handle it well, and many days , not so well. Depression can get a grip on me and I stubbornly keep it to myself, maybe telling one daughter - poor girl - she is so far away and really can do nothing. I struggle and put on my game face daily, madly doing everything I know which works to lift me above the "rocks" and hold me steady. This photo which I took in Acadia National Park last year said a lot to me then and now it means even more. In talking with a person who often helps to guide me, I am reminded once again that I MUST reach out and ask for a hand of suport. She called me on always saying, I must handle this MYSELF. I need to step out of my self-imposed isolation, and believe that it is OK to reach out.
My close girlfriends have either moved or their lives have taken different turns and I find myself needing a kindred spirit, one I can just "be" with - a girlfriend. Hopefully, by just expressing this, I can draw some new friends into my life. This is an insular world here where I live. Almost all wealthy retired, and most activites are held during the day. Sure I have LM, but he cannot be what I am missing in my life. He can only be the frosting on my cake, and by the way, he certainly is that. We have magical dates every weekend, and we share everything. He is frequently giving me that hand up, and I do the same for him with great pleasure and gratitude. I also have amazing family...daughter, sisters, sisters-in-law, daughter-in-law, yet I feel so alone.
I have no idea where to begin in this search as many option of places to meet people with common interests are just not available to me. Even the Senior Center (eeek, did I really say that??) is not available to me as I am working full-time. Bookclubs at the library are held during the day. Yes, I could start my own....just do not even know where to start. This sounds whiney to me, but it is very real and just where I am.
I wonder how many other women feel this same way....and I also know that part of this is my own doing....there have been people who have reached out hands of friendship to me and I have been "too busy" etc. There is a bit of agoraphobia in me and I want to step beyond its bounds.
I know depression plays a role in all this, too. Finally I am opening up a little about it. The dialogue has started and maybe that is the hand I need to get me through the hard rocky surface I seem to have over and around me right now.


Beverly said...

I think we must all have days that make us feel like our heart is dragging to the ground. It seems like some days just bring darkness. Thankfully the next day brings sunshine and flowers. I wish I could be a real live know what I mean...not just a virtual friend. Try to hang on til the weekend and your time with LM...

Anonymous said...

I would like to hear more. I feel like you are touching a piece of me. I found your blog because I dream of picking up my midwestern roots and relocating to the Cape where I have gone back every summer for over 50 years. It is a magical place. I love your daily life there. But I hear the heartfelt lonliness. A place does not fill in the emptiness of companionship. Maybe you could say more. Were you always on the loner side? Did you struggle with anything like this in your teens, 20s, 30s etc. Did you have close girlfriends to count on before moving to the Cape? Do you take any medication or have you ever? You strike me as a health conscious person who might put medication low on the list of remedies. But you just might be missing out on some eye opening relief. The feeling of shopping for and smelling fresh strawberries could be a constant frame of mind. Really, I would just like to hear more of how you are going about this daily struggle. It will help us all and I hope others will join the conversation. I now have your trees as my screen saver. Thank you for opening up to all of us.

Ernestine said...

Oh, I truly understand. I Have most of your thoughts. I could have written your entry. Only differance I do not have that special weekend person or close family other then my children.
Every word you spoke could have come from me.
I just always stayed busy with my family and working and what a stupid thought that I did not need anyone.
We all need friends and at this moment I feel very alone also.
In this new area I do not know what to do. Seems when I finish my home, gardening and family the day is finished.
This has been a difficult week for me.
If I were near we would have lunch sometime, early dinner sometime, talk on phone and I would hug you and say you are going to be alright.
I think this is part of the journey.
Espcially since we are mother's with grown children and have grandchildren and have lived full lives. Then in later years we are alone a lot.
Take care and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

islaygirl said...

It's so frustrating when it feels like there are no good _options_. I always struggle with what's natural and unforced and therefore likely to continue, as opposed to something that I try to make fit in my life and that just feels so awkward.

I'n not making any sense, but I'm thinking about you. (And hey, I'm going to be on the Cape in August. Let's have coffee. Or a lobster or something.)

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

When I looked at this picture it wasn't the hardness or isolation that came to me it was that many of the rocks were clustered, some were leaning against each other or keeping other rocks from falling down . They are solid and hard but without each other and the support of the soil they would be just a heap.

Isn't that what community is all about?

I wish you well in your search to become more connected. You are on the right track.

Would a small bookstore, library or friendly church be a source of connecting to a book club that didn't meet during the day? Or perhaps you could post an inquiry at the library. Or perhaps a non-credit workshop at the community college might be outlet.

Peace to you!

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Thank you for your comments...I will try to write more about the struggle I am in. I appreciate all the feedback and have taken much to heart!