Thursday, September 17, 2009

...and the Walls come Tumbling Down

Murphy's law prevails here in the land, sans Ms G. After the sublime dancing feather sunset on Sunday, my heart seemed light and I returned home ready to start a new week with not too much planned except to have dinner with a dear friend on Monday evening, have my car detailed, and prepare for guests to stay at my house this coming weekend. Work was rip-roaring crazy all day Monday (I'm always at my best on crazy workdays), and I set out at 5 to drive to Hyannis to meet Debra for dinner. Unbeknownst to me, she had called my cell phone in the afternoon to leave a message that she couldn't meet me as planned. Something told her she better call me again at 5:15 to be sure I got her message. That phone call took the wind out of my sails, and hit my grief button with rapier force. Debra has been battling breast cancer, and Monday she was told that it has come back in her bones . She is in pain, and experiencing a tough range of emotions. After we ended the call, I could not stop sobbing. There is loss everywhere around me, and I am not coping well with it these days.

Tuesday I awoke crying and really struggled to go to work. Somehow I managed to get my game face on and get through the day. As usual, upon arrival at work, I turned on my computer, and within minutes I had a black screen with gibberish and then nothing. Crashed! I managed to get through the day with a borrowed computer and a promise that our techie would be in Thursday to revive mine. Meanwhile, I struggled along with no contacts, e-mail and all sorts of other annoyances. Tuesday night, I never went to sleep, as my mind was racing, tears were falling, and thinking was askew. I spent the night pacing, writing, and cleaning. There were some not nice things said to LM as well!

Yesterday was not much better with my workday becoming more and more frustrating with the computer issues. There were NICE things said to LM, though.

Last night I slept, woke still a little shakey, but amidst tears, got myself to my post and actually had a fairly decent morning followed by a long walk (hip pain just about gone) at lunch. When I came back from the walk and sat at my desk, I was approached by two very grim faces (two techies), who broke the news that my computer is 100% lost to me. The magnitude of that loss was like another death and the impact is still sinking in, the tears are flowing, and I am beyond frustrated. The worst part is losing my entire MS Outlook workplace.....all my reminders and appointments , all my e-mail, ALL MY CONTACTS, and also, on a personal level, all my fave blog shortcuts and names, as well as many photos. I am sure the list of losses will continue to mount. I found out that they had been in the process of setting up back-up for everyone's Outlook but mine had not been done yet. GRRRRRR. I told the two bearers of bad tidings that they reminded me of two doctors coming into the exam room to give me the worst possible DX! We laughed through my invisible tears. I pride myself in my ability to give anyone in the office an answer, contact, etc at a seconds notice and now I will be unable to do that and it hurts. They will have to understand but it won't be easy as I am command central. It has taken years to amass all the data. There was a lot of data saved on the main server, for which I am thankful, but that only slightly assuages my angst. I know I am probably way over the top about this, but it is all tied in with my grief and just where I am right now.

SOOOOOO, just as this dreadful workday was ending, one of my other dear dear friends called me to tell me that one of his very close relatives had just died. That did it, and I could not hold back the tears. Good that many had gone home. Nick has been through so much lately....he was laid-off (worked at my company), and both his parents have died in the past few months. He had been helping an aunt care for his uncle who died today and it was being done at a huge emotional cost. He not only was devastated with grief when he called me (we are very close confidants), but he is sick with some awful virus. Poor guy.

Thus my tale of woe.....just going to feel it all, do what I can to help those who really need it right now, and know this too shall pass.

To all my readers, if you don't hear from me on your blogs, it is because I have lost my link to you. Some I could remember, others not. Leave me a message.

From the land of Ms G, AKA, LM's house, comes word that working on the computer is impossible because she insists on sitting on the keyboard or the mouse, and she is always trying to "catch the cards" when he plays FreeCell. Poor baby.......he says she is coming back to me on Sunday night. Uh, huh!


barbara said...

Oh Marcia, I am so sorry you are having such a terrible, tragic week. It sounds as though the only possible bright spot is that your hip pain has receded. I do hope that LM does everything in his power to get Ms. G back to you. I think you really need her! Hugs and prayer for you. Barbara

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

First off a great big cyber hug being sent your way,

It does sometimes seem like bad things come in waves. But just as the waves and tides come in, they go out.

How good that you were available to speak with Debra. While I know it triggered so much in you I am sure that it was important and valuable for her to be able to share her trouble with such a dear friend. And for you also to be able to talk with Nick. Even if you aren't able to do anything to help being present for them was such a gift.

Can't say much about the computer though I am sure there is a lesson there as well, perhaps they can show you how to back everything up or perhaps the IT techs can extract some of your data if only to print it our? We get to rely so heavily on these tools that when they aren't there anymore its almost like a betrayal.

You have been having such a run of heavy duty events that I can imagine it is quite wearing. I hope you are taking care of yourself while all of this plays out.

Recently I have been trying let go some of the thoughts that weigh heavily on me and keep me from sleeping, make me sad. The pain of friends in distress dredges up so much within that is still raw and I know, at least for me, I have a hard time asking for help with their burdens and my own.

I don't at all know if you are like me in that way, but if you are I will ask for help for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and will say an occasional prayer for you that the great Spirit will accept the fullness of all that you are carrying; the caring and concern you have for your dear friends, the emptiness and pain you feel from your own losses and the frustrations you from being powerless to fix. I will ask that while you do the day to day in tending to those close to you and the tasks you need to do, that your load be shared and that the Spirit hold what is too heavy and help you along the path. In the darkness of the night I will ask that this all be held close so that you may rest well knowing that all is being tended to.

Sending warm thought and peace.

Jeff- in the Berkshires said...

PS- the links to all the blogs you follow are not lost, they are all listed with links on you blog page.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Hi Barbara and Jeff....thank you somuch for the kind comfort and comments. It truly was an awful week but in some ways it cleared some air and I am choosing the belief that the universe was trying to clear out some of my grief.
Tough, though! I am much better now.
What beautiful days we are having.
The best to you both.

Poppy said...

I realize I am a good month late but I wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you were/are (I'm not caught up yet) having such an awful time. I feel terrible that I was not here to offer you my shoulder to cry on. You have become someone I can count on to pull me out of it when the doldrums hit with your kind words and compassion, I feel bad that I was not here to try to do the same for you. I will do better in the future. Promise. ((((Hugs)))