I know, I know, when life gives me a wall of bricks, I should just build something with them, move them around somehow recreate, but today the wall seems very solid and I feel lost and stifled. It will pass, I know it, and a lot is due to the fact that my poor body still feels sick. My head is not clear and I am tired. Dad had a crisis yesterday which cost poor SIL, Trish, a long very unpleasant afternoon and late evening in the emergency room which was filled with very sick people. Dad is now back at his place and resting and sounded Ok when I spoke with him. Trish said he is quite weak now and very diminished in his capabilities.
So the wall gets even higher and harder to dismantle when I visited LM at noon today. He is so fragile and he seems to just be huddled and silent and depressed. I know this is all part of the process he is in right now but it is tough to watch. We were able to spend a few minutes sitting together on the couch, touching a bit and he talked in a very hushed tone about things which are bothering him. We went to the computer and looked up the med he is on for cholesterol reduction and it causes many of the symptoms he has. He will have to talk with the Dr about this next week. He also seems to have no inclination to want to eat healthy foods. That is not my battle and I do not intend to wage it but it is frustrating. His body still seems to be super sensitive to touch and he flinches easily and just gathers himself in to a tight clutch and hunches over. So so hard to see. There were bright spots and he said he was very happy to have me close.
Hopefully, being with family tomorrow will be a good change of scene for me but at this moment I have no energy to even think about making small talk at a party, not to mention the long round trip. I will take LM's daughter, Kristi with me to the party tomorrow as she so much loves to be with family and the baby. On the way home I will visit Bob and LM again. Hopefully, the new path I plan to make with the bricks will be falling in to place.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Little Victories
I love this little smile and the entire man behind it! It was a day of little victories today....he went out to the barber shop and has a nice haircut, and he went to his favorite coffee shop and had an iced coffee!! That news really made my day!
She Knows How to Live
Ms G in all her glory soaking up some winter sun today....Snapped this while I was home for an early lunch.......feeling even sicker today and just wish I could curl up in this same spot of sun and doze but work beckons so I must return.
There are lots of birds singing right outside that sunny window!
Ms G has now settled in to a tight ball of fur in her sunny spot. Sweet love!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tunnel Voices
I made it through another day of work despite the fact that I still feel a degree of sickness from the flu. The massage I had last night exposed a few areas where I am obviously holding stress/illness and they were all calling to me as soon as I opened my eyes after a solid 8 hour sleep. My head felt so fuzzy, neck stiff and a very sharp pain between my shoulder blades. I took an Advil and started my day but my head has never cleared out all day and it was a struggle to stay at work. Every phone call seemed like I was talking into a tunnel. My energy is very low.....to bed early tonight.
Never heard from LM until almost 1 pm today and I guess it was a rude awakening to him when he realized he hadn't called me at all. He said he just couldn't get himself moving. We chatted a bit and reminded ourselves, once more, that this inertia is part of the healing for him. I was consoled knowing the PT person would be visiting this afternoon. Each time we talk, it seems like we just don't connect no matter how much we want to....both our brains are fuzzy and cell phones can make conversation halting.
It does sound like LM's day got a little better. He took two walks, had some phone conversations with friends and said he was eating a bit more than he has been. We just talked briefly, albeit in the "tunnel" again, and when I was ready to get off the phone, he told me that he had been thinking this morning about how nice it would be to sleep beside me! He misses that comfort, and of course, I do, too, and little does he know that now I am filled with tears at the thought of being beside each other. It is a very palpable ache. He also, brought up how much he wants to see Ms. G. and I know her sweet little purring being will bring him so much love when he can final visit us. Cat comfort is a special brand of love which we both understand and treasure. It will be awhile before this visit can happen but just knowing it is in LM's thoughts is enough for right now. The thread.....the thread, sometimes it can feel so thin, other times tighter than ever.
Never heard from LM until almost 1 pm today and I guess it was a rude awakening to him when he realized he hadn't called me at all. He said he just couldn't get himself moving. We chatted a bit and reminded ourselves, once more, that this inertia is part of the healing for him. I was consoled knowing the PT person would be visiting this afternoon. Each time we talk, it seems like we just don't connect no matter how much we want to....both our brains are fuzzy and cell phones can make conversation halting.
It does sound like LM's day got a little better. He took two walks, had some phone conversations with friends and said he was eating a bit more than he has been. We just talked briefly, albeit in the "tunnel" again, and when I was ready to get off the phone, he told me that he had been thinking this morning about how nice it would be to sleep beside me! He misses that comfort, and of course, I do, too, and little does he know that now I am filled with tears at the thought of being beside each other. It is a very palpable ache. He also, brought up how much he wants to see Ms. G. and I know her sweet little purring being will bring him so much love when he can final visit us. Cat comfort is a special brand of love which we both understand and treasure. It will be awhile before this visit can happen but just knowing it is in LM's thoughts is enough for right now. The thread.....the thread, sometimes it can feel so thin, other times tighter than ever.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Gift that Keeps on Giving
I have written lots before about how much I love my job and the people I work with, and also how this job was a gift to me in 2004 when it was time to leave the public sector after 24 years. Working for such a fine company with people of such intergrity makes showing up each day a pleasure. The president and his wife have become dear freinds and the way they live their lives and care for each and every one of us in the company is the reason the firm is so successful and a model for many others.
Knowing what LM and I have been going through and also seeing how sick I have been with the flu, they came to me and insisted I go for a long healing massage as their guest. Tonight was the night and I am now home and feeling like I can fill my lungs with air for the first time in nearly 3 weeks. What a beautiful gift!
The gloom I had been feeling seemed to lift about mid-day today, coinciding with the return of my normal energy. This day was not without tension and worry, though. LM called me this morning and he asked if I thought he was depressed. I do indeed think he is depressed and it may partly be due to the new BP med but it is also predictable after this type of surgery. We talked a little about it but he is so scattered and cannot focus. I knew the VNA nurse would be visiting just after noon so I asked him to discuss his feelings with her. Before the nurse came, LM was taking a shower and he fell in the tub. I just felt so bad when he called to tell me that. Not what he needs right now. He is not eating much yet, and I know that goes along with where he is in recovery. He wants ice cream and lemon meringue pie!!! Not ideal for a recovering heart patient, I would say, but his regular appetite should return in a few weeks. Things seem very ragged in his recovery right now. I keep telling myself, and him, that each day he is improving in some small way, he just can't see or feel it yet, but it is happening despite us all. Bob is just wonderful and helpful in his caring and I know he is very concerned. I hope he will ask for help if he needs it.
The gift of the massage and the return of my energy feels so wonderful. Now I need to pray for patience to be able to get through the next weeks and months, to be flexible to LM's needs and do my part to keep the thread of our love taut without pulling too hard on LM. He needs a soft and gentle touch right now.
It felt like spring was in the air today.....almost 50 degrees and tonight we have a wonderful soft rain. Love it.
Ms. G is waiting for me to climb in bed. Sending much gratitude to everyone who has been so supportive, loving and caring throughout this time. You have afforded me a lot of ease and assurance.
Knowing what LM and I have been going through and also seeing how sick I have been with the flu, they came to me and insisted I go for a long healing massage as their guest. Tonight was the night and I am now home and feeling like I can fill my lungs with air for the first time in nearly 3 weeks. What a beautiful gift!
The gloom I had been feeling seemed to lift about mid-day today, coinciding with the return of my normal energy. This day was not without tension and worry, though. LM called me this morning and he asked if I thought he was depressed. I do indeed think he is depressed and it may partly be due to the new BP med but it is also predictable after this type of surgery. We talked a little about it but he is so scattered and cannot focus. I knew the VNA nurse would be visiting just after noon so I asked him to discuss his feelings with her. Before the nurse came, LM was taking a shower and he fell in the tub. I just felt so bad when he called to tell me that. Not what he needs right now. He is not eating much yet, and I know that goes along with where he is in recovery. He wants ice cream and lemon meringue pie!!! Not ideal for a recovering heart patient, I would say, but his regular appetite should return in a few weeks. Things seem very ragged in his recovery right now. I keep telling myself, and him, that each day he is improving in some small way, he just can't see or feel it yet, but it is happening despite us all. Bob is just wonderful and helpful in his caring and I know he is very concerned. I hope he will ask for help if he needs it.
The gift of the massage and the return of my energy feels so wonderful. Now I need to pray for patience to be able to get through the next weeks and months, to be flexible to LM's needs and do my part to keep the thread of our love taut without pulling too hard on LM. He needs a soft and gentle touch right now.
It felt like spring was in the air today.....almost 50 degrees and tonight we have a wonderful soft rain. Love it.
Ms. G is waiting for me to climb in bed. Sending much gratitude to everyone who has been so supportive, loving and caring throughout this time. You have afforded me a lot of ease and assurance.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
In a Daze
Obviously, this flu is not going away in a hurry and I was reminded of that often today. My head is in a fog, I am exhausted and sinus pressure and cough are lurking. I did manage to cook a roasting chicken and make a big batch of vegetable soup today. Brought the chicken and a container of soup to Bob and LM and we shared a nice dinner. In between those tasks, though, I slept a lot. Have to go to work tomorrow. LM was very sleepy today, too. He did get up to eat but was asleep or dozing most of the time I was there. I just sat with him on the couch and rubbed his feet....wishing I could just lay next to him and doze, too. So much has happened in the past 2.5 weeks and it feels very heavy, very emotional and so HEAVY.
Eloquence and ease of expression escapes me totally right now. I just want to cry for so many reasons. LM is so vulnerable right now....he has no energy, no color and is just barely capable of doing the minimum to keep going right now. The simplest task is beyond him. I know it will change and things will get better. Today everything seems insurmountable to him. I, too, have tremendous pressure on me...financial disaster is looming and I feel helpless to stop it, face it. It seems so terribly unfair to have worked so hard for so many years and in the "end" I come down to being smothered in debt from dental bills....dental bills necessary to repair and restore the damage done from radiation. I have been paying on this debt since 1999 and now another $6,797. fell on me in the mail yesterday. Tears, tears, tears....somehow, I must sleep and get the energy to go to work tomorrow and face my life but I hate my life right now. I cannot find the ease I need. My house feels empty and cold just like my soul. Add all this onto the weight of feeling so sick and so alone during LM's sickness and I am scared.
Well, I tell myself, you are EM's daughter and she always assured you "everything will be alright, dear"....Do I believe her once again?
Eloquence and ease of expression escapes me totally right now. I just want to cry for so many reasons. LM is so vulnerable right now....he has no energy, no color and is just barely capable of doing the minimum to keep going right now. The simplest task is beyond him. I know it will change and things will get better. Today everything seems insurmountable to him. I, too, have tremendous pressure on me...financial disaster is looming and I feel helpless to stop it, face it. It seems so terribly unfair to have worked so hard for so many years and in the "end" I come down to being smothered in debt from dental bills....dental bills necessary to repair and restore the damage done from radiation. I have been paying on this debt since 1999 and now another $6,797. fell on me in the mail yesterday. Tears, tears, tears....somehow, I must sleep and get the energy to go to work tomorrow and face my life but I hate my life right now. I cannot find the ease I need. My house feels empty and cold just like my soul. Add all this onto the weight of feeling so sick and so alone during LM's sickness and I am scared.
Well, I tell myself, you are EM's daughter and she always assured you "everything will be alright, dear"....Do I believe her once again?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Check-ups and a Reunion
Started Friday off with a visit to my dear physician, Mary. I was feeling pretty weak and the heart palpitations were still pronounced. After an EKG and some other checking, Mary asked why I was so stressed and I immediately burst into torrents of tears as I described what had happened to LM. She knew the story of how we had connected as a couple and had previously shared our happiness so understood what shock I have been in. My BP is dangerously elevated so I am on an additional BP med and we will do some bloodwork and begin to do some further health screening next week. Meanwhile she recommended I get as much rest as possible and get rid of the flu residuals but she did OK me to visit with LM. YEAH!! Before that, though, I was dispatched to get a chest X-Ray to rule out pneumonia as I continue to have quite a lot of pain in my mid back. After that I went back to work and managed to get through the day and actually felt better as 5 pm came. I went to bed very early and slept 12 hours without getting up.
LM had a busy day yesterday, too. He went to see his cardiologist and received quite a good report, had blood work and the Dr explained the intensive rehabilitation program which will begin in a few weeks. The trip out of the house was quite exhausting for LM but he was happy to see a bit of the world! He did ask the Dr to change one of his BP meds as it is known to cause severe coughs. The cough he has is terrible and it has plagued him since just post-surgery when they began giving him Lisipronil. That med can also cause swelling in the tongue - also a present symptom for LM. Today he began a different med and I sure hope that is the problem. All in all recovery seems to be on course and it will take a lot of patience to endure the coming weeks as it will be slow. I can see that most things are a very great effort right now and LM is very intensely guarding his body and every thing he does is slightly exaggerated from the struggle. He really worries about compromising his huge chest incision....which seems to be healing quite well, though. Sleeping is still a problem as his bed is not what he would like it to be. I know boredom is setting in and I hope soon LM will be able to get back on his computer and occupy his mind a bit. He is disinterested in TV so time drags. His eyesight is still a bit unfocused from the surgery.
This morning I was able to do some house cleaning and have a nice shower etc and manage to get myself out of the house to do some errands for LM and then drive over to see he and Bob. What amazing joy I felt to be able to see and touch LM's face.....he has lost an amazing amount of weight and looks good, although very tired and he still has a stress frown. We just sat quietly on the couch, he opened some get well cards which had come to my house and I massaged his feet and hands....his left leg and foot are still swollen and sore from where the grafts were taken. His voice is very low and he dozes off but kept returning to look at me and he was wanting to hold my hand. He sweetly brought up how nice it will be when we can really hold each other again. Today I did well managing my tears. This has changed everything about our relationship so much yet our thread of love has still not seemed to fray....sure is being tested!
Yesterday as I drove back from the Dr's office, it hit me full force how much I am missing "us" and our favorite way of handling any situation, problem, or change. There seemed to be nothing we could not solve by simply laying (usually with Ms G insinuating her sweet purring self between us) next to each other, LM's mouth near my ear and talking, talking, talking until everything seemed right....we would look at things from every angle and usually find a place of comfort or solution for whatever needed doing. Sometimes there were not solutions, such as various issues with children and other things we just accept about our life, but hearing things out just worked and kept us united. Here we are now with the biggest challenge we have both ever known and we cannot apply our usual method to deal, to find our united center. So hard, yet I know it will pass, and we will be back there again. It was very sweet that LM made that comment this morning (without knowing my feelings yesterday) about being able to hold me. There is fear in that thought of finally being able to hold each other....I sometimes think I will start crying and not be able to stop. Hopefully, I will be able to work some of this out with my therapist beforehand. It is grief which transcends any I have ever know. I am sure it is because the love LM and I share transcends any and all I have ever know, as well.
Tonight will just be a quiet evening at home for me....maybe some 6 Ft. Under re-runs and a movie. Tomorrow I will roast a chicken and take it over for Bob and LM.
Bob is doing so well as LM's caretaker but it must be hard for them to be so confined without much of a break. Bob has been great and I just hope he doesn't tire out too much. It is a lot of responsibility. Their's is an amazing friendship.
LM had a busy day yesterday, too. He went to see his cardiologist and received quite a good report, had blood work and the Dr explained the intensive rehabilitation program which will begin in a few weeks. The trip out of the house was quite exhausting for LM but he was happy to see a bit of the world! He did ask the Dr to change one of his BP meds as it is known to cause severe coughs. The cough he has is terrible and it has plagued him since just post-surgery when they began giving him Lisipronil. That med can also cause swelling in the tongue - also a present symptom for LM. Today he began a different med and I sure hope that is the problem. All in all recovery seems to be on course and it will take a lot of patience to endure the coming weeks as it will be slow. I can see that most things are a very great effort right now and LM is very intensely guarding his body and every thing he does is slightly exaggerated from the struggle. He really worries about compromising his huge chest incision....which seems to be healing quite well, though. Sleeping is still a problem as his bed is not what he would like it to be. I know boredom is setting in and I hope soon LM will be able to get back on his computer and occupy his mind a bit. He is disinterested in TV so time drags. His eyesight is still a bit unfocused from the surgery.
This morning I was able to do some house cleaning and have a nice shower etc and manage to get myself out of the house to do some errands for LM and then drive over to see he and Bob. What amazing joy I felt to be able to see and touch LM's face.....he has lost an amazing amount of weight and looks good, although very tired and he still has a stress frown. We just sat quietly on the couch, he opened some get well cards which had come to my house and I massaged his feet and hands....his left leg and foot are still swollen and sore from where the grafts were taken. His voice is very low and he dozes off but kept returning to look at me and he was wanting to hold my hand. He sweetly brought up how nice it will be when we can really hold each other again. Today I did well managing my tears. This has changed everything about our relationship so much yet our thread of love has still not seemed to fray....sure is being tested!
Yesterday as I drove back from the Dr's office, it hit me full force how much I am missing "us" and our favorite way of handling any situation, problem, or change. There seemed to be nothing we could not solve by simply laying (usually with Ms G insinuating her sweet purring self between us) next to each other, LM's mouth near my ear and talking, talking, talking until everything seemed right....we would look at things from every angle and usually find a place of comfort or solution for whatever needed doing. Sometimes there were not solutions, such as various issues with children and other things we just accept about our life, but hearing things out just worked and kept us united. Here we are now with the biggest challenge we have both ever known and we cannot apply our usual method to deal, to find our united center. So hard, yet I know it will pass, and we will be back there again. It was very sweet that LM made that comment this morning (without knowing my feelings yesterday) about being able to hold me. There is fear in that thought of finally being able to hold each other....I sometimes think I will start crying and not be able to stop. Hopefully, I will be able to work some of this out with my therapist beforehand. It is grief which transcends any I have ever know. I am sure it is because the love LM and I share transcends any and all I have ever know, as well.
Tonight will just be a quiet evening at home for me....maybe some 6 Ft. Under re-runs and a movie. Tomorrow I will roast a chicken and take it over for Bob and LM.
Bob is doing so well as LM's caretaker but it must be hard for them to be so confined without much of a break. Bob has been great and I just hope he doesn't tire out too much. It is a lot of responsibility. Their's is an amazing friendship.
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