My View from the Couch.....and, We have Progress.

As most of you know, I've just spent more than a week at LM's house recovering from pulmonary embolisms subsequent to having the flu and pneumonia. A lot of that time was spent tucked in to a quilt on the couch with LM next to me in his chair.  A certain gray furry critter spent a lot of time on his lap staring at me.  Once in awhile I was graced with her presence, but she's pretty loyal to her man.  At night she did give us equal opportunity cuddling. Sweet girl......and today when I packed up my things and came back to my house, it was really bittersweet to leave her special brand of love.  Many of you may not know that years ago, Ms G was my cat, before LM came on the scene and stole her heart. We'd lived together for about 7 years, when she went to stay at LM's house while I attended a reunion of my sisters in Seattle. When I returned, the love affair had intensified to the point that I couldn't in good conscience, take her back to my house. With struggle to get her into a carrier, the ensuing howling and hyper-ventilating, and loving my dear LM so much, plus knowing I spend 2-3 days a week at his house anyway, I let her have her way.  LM still feels an element of guilt (faux), but there is no doubt that no cat could be loved more. Today when I left she was nestled under the quilt in the spot where I slept last night.

It is nice to be back at my house - really only a short drive from LM, but is easy for me while I remain working full-time so near my house.

After a weekend of rest, I felt pretty energetic this morning and was nervously excited to be at the morning appointment with my physician to hear her news about my health status, and the results of the ultrasound done last Friday. The news was mostly good, and the test showed my spleen is working extra hard to process the large blood clots in my lungs. By 11 am I was nearly out of energy, so her news that I may not return to work for at least two weeks and must continue to rest, was not a surprise. She's also anxious about what the pulmonologist will have to say on March 4 - me, too. So that is my news....continued rest and monitoring!!  Fingers crossed that LM and I will be resting on a beach on Eleuthera, as planned, a month from now!

After a lovely warmish weekend that brought me the opportunity to be outside a few times and breathe in approaching Spring, we now have Winter returning full-force, but I will be doing what I'm told and resting at home - maybe sewing. I am planning to sew some valances for my sitting room from a nice remnant someone gave me a while back.

Ever grateful for all the love and caring, I wish you peace, love and maybe a glimpse of Spring.

Amusement

Several weeks ago, while still fighting pneumonia, LM and I took a drive around to several of our favorite places. He was kind enough to be indulging my need for distraction and a sniff of fresh air. We are forever finding crazy shapes in clouds, and other sorts of nature's creations, and this cold and partly cloudy Sunday afternoon took us to Sesuit Harbor in Dennis.  Sure enough, at just about the same time, we found an alligator head/mouth lurking about on the banks of a creek. Ya, just never know! 
Just a little laugh on another day of forced rest and waiting for the results of last night's ultrasound.
It is a glorious sunny day here and while the "cat" (LM)  is away, I have windows open and am enjoying some wonderful fresh air....Ms G is loving it, too. She's been following the sun around.

May peace, sunshine and love be following you around today, as well!!

Loving the Sunshine; Before and After

Update - Friday, February 21 - I will be having the ultrasound done this afternoon at 5 pm at Cape Cod Hospital....have to wait because I had eaten a little breakfast. Have to have some fast time before this test, so no water or food until after the fact. I'm resting  in the meanwhile, and my "nurse" of the feline variety is taking care of the underside of the bedcovers forcing me to the couch. Oh well, I am prone to sacrificing for the benefit of our dear Ms G. More news as I get it........your love and kindness are carrying me through. Namaste!

This morning I had an appointment for bloodwork and then another to meet with my wonderful physician, Mary. After the stop at the lab, I had extra time before seeing Mary, so drove to the end of a beautiful country road in E. Orleans. In the midst of the serenity, I saw myself in this old cedar tree - a few branches healing from this rugged winter ( I grew up on Twin Cedars Farm!). This lovely cove was teaming with wildlife and with the car windows open, I let in the warmish sunshine, and took a series of healing breaths, as the nearly invisible sparrows sung to me loudly from within the tough cedar boughs. Beyond the tree, and out of reach of my little camera, a graceful great blue heron was fishing amidst a large raft of black ducks.

 

Snow is still in most places.

 

Not many more words can describe the beauty and peace of this spot and it stayed with me as I faced some scary news from Mary.....I'll share with you the see saw emotions of this day.....First, an e-mail I sent out to family and friends when I got home...

 

"Well, here, I am, back from seeing my doctor Mary and am at Lou's. Sort of in a state of shock.  Mary says this is a very serious, even grave, condition and I am nowhere near out of the woods. No work for at least two weeks until we know more about why this happened. A large clot remains in my right lung (others in the left but not as bad). That large clot is partially blocking the vena cava, the artery that carries purified blood to the heart, thus shortness of breath and weakness. Mary has referred me to a pulmonary specialist and I will see him on 3/4.  They may do something like clot busting (no idea what it is). Mary is ordering other tests, too as there are other things involved. Meanwhile, I am cautioned to rest, and do just minimal things around the house. VNA is still going to come in for another week. She was so kind but very concerned. After about 3 months, I will be sent to a hematologist to attempt to determine why this clotting occurred. Mary says I am very healthy otherwise....good BP, etc so this shouldn't happen. It is a puzzle to her. She said those that usually have these events have swollen feet/legs, high BP, etc.

So we just wait. I am determined to be OK, but for now am exhausted and concerned. Keeping my spirits high.....breathing!

So sorry for this awful news...I just cannot even stand to be on the phone." 

........

E-mail 2 this evening..........

"Some relatively good news for a change!! After the news I received earlier today, I spent a very scared afternoon contemplating what might happen to me, but this evening at 6:30, I received a very long and helpful phone call from my physician, Mary. Mary had just spent almost an hour at the end of her very busy workday, consulting with the pulmonary specialist who will see me on March 4.  Indeed I have been in a life threatening situation but healing is underway!! He had reviewed all my records at length and told Mary that my body was doing a great job of reabsorbing the large clots in my lungs, especially the one affecting my heart and he felt that as long as I remained resting, took the Coumadin (bloodthinner), and had frequent monitoring, I would make a complete recovery.  Also, the severe abdominal pain I am having is caused by a very swollen spleen. That is because the spleen is working overtime helping in the re-absorption of the blood clots. To be sure of that, I will have an ultrasound next week to monitor that progress. All being said, he also felt the clotting issue was definitely caused by being so very sick for so long with the H1N1/pneumonia. All in all, my body has been doing exactly what it needs to do to heal.

Thank you everyone for your love and concern, and I am so sorry to be a cause for worry.  

Much love,

Marcia/Kitty/Mama"

 

So, this was my day.. lows, highs, beauty and love. I feel so much better tonight. Thank you all for being there, too. I'm resting, and ever so grateful. I do feel the clarity that emerged from this day began with that brave cedar tree. "She's" making it through this tough winter, too.

Hoping the little trip to the seashore brings peace and clarity to you all, as well.

 

 

Coming Back

Such wonderful nursing care, one could never know, Ms G stands guard, LM gives me my twice-daily shots, cooks me delicious meals, and I have been resting and enjoying the Olympics.  Getting a little house-bound, but a little trip out today will help, I am sure. It is the first day I have felt better since being whisked away to the hospital.  The tiredness prevails although not as much. My cough has finally diminished, and that is a  huge relief.

Each day the VNA comes in and today we await the results of the latest blood draw to see if there is progress with my Coumadin levels. It is not a nice drug and I'm not happy knowing I'll have to be on it for 6 months, but if it keeps me safe from clotting, then, it must be. I'm able to keep an eye on my vital signs electronically each day and the results are sent back to the VNA. So far, so good. A visit with my doctor on Thursday will tell me more.

We had quite a big snowstorm over the weekend and are now expecting another storm this afternoon.

So that is a little update, and I thank you all for the love and messages of concern.

Wishing everyone a day of peace, love and acceptance.....

Finding My Breath on Valentine's Day.

Reporting in this morning from LM's house under care by the VNA. On Wednesday morning just before 8 am, I walked from my car to the office in bitter cold but refreshing air. As I reached the door to the office, I collapsed, out of breath, against the side of the building.  After some time, I gathered enough strength to open the door and get inside across the lobby to my desk, before collapsing again. Still, I wasn't scared enough to think anything more than the fact that it was caused by the pneumonia recovery and the very cold air. I started my day at my desk, caught up on e-mail and other tasks, and feeling very tired with some chest pressure. Just before 11 am, I got up to walk the length of the office to the accounting office and only got half-way there before having to lean against a table to get my breath again. I told a friend how I was feeling and before I knew it the paramedics were there and I was off on a noisy, fast ride to Cape Cod Hospital in very unstable condition, oxygen levels, heartrate and BP were all over the place and I still had no idea what could be happening to me. After numerous tests they came in to tell me that I had come dangerously close to death due to pulmonary embolisms in my lungs....there were quite a few blood clots and a large one in each lung. No wonder I had no endurance that morning. I was regaled in the ER about other patients not even making it in time. EEEEEK. LM was out of town but came back quickly, and his nurse daughter, Meaghan, was at my side throughout the stabilization in the ER....so grateful for that!! By early evening I was in the cardiac unit and being wonderfully cared for.  There was a lot more testing done and close observation, as I had a lot of chest pain, racing heart and faintness.  So now I am on blood thinners and will have to remain in a resting state some more.  VNA is with me at home (they got me out of the hospital as soon as they could because the place is rife with flu....everywhere one turned you could hear the coughing.  AWFUL and made for no rest.
Ms G is doing her best to comfort me and help me to heal. Work has been so concerned. My boss called me last night and urged me not to worry and to let me know I would be paid on a short-term disability basis until I was completely well enough to return. So relieved.

So that is my story this day....and now I need to rest. I wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and leave you with a little coincidence story....As they wheeled me up to my private room in the cardiac suite at the hospital, LM following closely behind carrying my things, We both had a deja vu moment when I was wheeled right in to the same room LM had occupied in 2008 on Valentine's Day after his heart attack. It was quite eerie, but somehow comforting.  Circles of LIFE.  Precious life.

Love and peace to all......

Reality

Now reality begins its way into the souls of those left behind by Allan's death.  There is so much gratitude for the Dad and husband, yet now the harshness of his absence begins to seep in. I know all too well the feelings of not being able to pick up the phone and call one's Dad, or mother, and it weaves in and out of the consciousness, wreaking havoc for a really long time before it becomes softer. Knowing my beloved daughters are on this journey is doubly hard, and there is no way to relieve their pain.  Life is moving on, jobs and everyday lives are restarted, as stoic faces lead one along by rote. They'll build strength and new appreciation as time carries them forward, yet the pain will show in many ways.  My hope is they are lead to deep compassion, clarity, and understanding of themselves and others, and may they most of all see the imperative to care deeply for themselves first by nourishing their souls with good thoughts, healthy living and observing nature, the source of all healing.

A very sincere thank you for the caring and love extended to us during this time.

My health is returning and I am back to work full-time feeling stronger everyday. 

Love and peace to all!!

Allan

My first husband, Allan, father of my daughters, Anne and Sara,  shown here very recently, with his present wife, Susie, died today at noon time. Complex emotions and sadness are filling my heart. Allan lived in Tampa, FL, not too far from Anne. It was a massive brain hemorrhage.  Anne got the call on Tuesday night. He lasted on life support today until Sara could get there to say her good-byes, along with half-sisters, Missy and Sharyn. Allan and I loved each other through all the years, even though we went our own ways after 4 years of marriage. We shared wonderful children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, and a lot of respect for each other.

All my love and thoughts are with my girls, and all of Allan's extended family who loved him very much. 

I'll be back to write more (on my lovely new Toshiba Satellite laptop) as soon as I can rest my mind a bit. Sickness still has a grip on me, but I've nearly made it through the week at work!

Love with all your heart and soul - you never know........I'll miss knowing you are there, Major, and my eyes will always smile for you. I forgive you now for making me go to the demolition derby at Norwood Arena on our wedding night. You did make up for it by taking me to Niagara Falls. Those happy times still glow in my heart.  

My Day

Stealing a minute to finally post this piece I started last Saturday before my home computer decided its time was up. I'm awaiting a new one and most likely will not have it ready to go until next week. Meanwhile, thanks to LM, last Friday I got out for a small expedition. We went grocery shopping and it was fun to have his help and take our time. My energy had waned considerably by the time we were done, but it felt great to be out in the world after nearly 6 weeks of confinement.  After we got back and I had a quick cuddle with Ms G, I knew I would have to head home fairly quickly to put groceries away and rest, but I got a huge shot of adrenaline as I began the drive home and encountered the deeply golden afternoon light on this tree just around the corner from LM's. Next thing I knew I was chasing the light and taking it in like I'd been crawling through a desert for days. Come along.....

Arriving at the beach about 1/2 mile from my house....Hardings Beach.

I've seen many sunsets but this one lit my soul.

Ever so slowly the sun began to develop fiery wings and those wings lifted my spirits to soaring.

It was all so magical in the solitude of the winter beach!

Looking to the east, everything was pink.

Believing, at this point, the wings were left there for me...

Home was calling me and as I drove away from the beach, I passed this view by Sulphur Springs marsh and the sunset called me one more time. Ah, winter, I was able to stop in the middle of the road and get this one last shot!

Love, peace and warmth to all.  I'll be back when the new laptop arrives.