True Love

Sunday.....Amidst the continuing pain of Bob's impending death, I took time to visit baby Teddy and his parents today. Watching and listening to my dear son and his wife adore their new son, whom they waited so long to welcome into their lives, filled my heart to the brim! With a beautiful sunny day and Teddy in my arms, I walked around the house to each window and we looked out together, we looked in mirrors, we looked in each others' eyes and I just felt so in love with him all over again.

Before the drive to have my fill of baby love, I stopped at the nursing home to see Bob. He'd been there since Friday night and was very unhappy in a too small room, with a noisy roommate and only able to whisper "I want to go home." It has been heart wrenching. LM was so taken up with it all day Saturday that he was unable to come over to be with me that night. I found myself in a place of feeling resentful, sad and crying a lot. I managed to spare LM most of what I felt, but did tell him that I was feeling sad and missing him and he apologized, but really, there is nothing he can do and my snit is certainly not rational, only a release of emotion. We are caught up in something we cannot change, we must see it through. We both truly love Bob and need to be strong as we ease him through this part of his life.
Yesterday morning, we met and went to see Bob briefly and as I leaned in close to his face to hear him, I was shocked to hear that his chest seemed very congested. He was also very confused today. We left with sinking hearts, uttering prayers for Bob, holding each other tighter than usual.
I'd no sooner arrived to visit with the baby than LM called to tell me that Bob was on the way to the hospital as he had worsened rapidly. Once again, we spent a long afternoon and evening at the ER.
It is a matter of waiting now.......parting at the hospital was so difficult, going home to separate homes last night was torture......LM concerned that I need to sleep and work in the morning. I KNOW he went back in to the hospital and sat there even longer into the night. I await word on the night.

Sunshiney Saturday

So.........I should be cleaning, I should be baking the lemon pudding cake which I promised to bring Bob later, and I should be having a shower and making my self presentable (my landlord stopped by a few minutes ago and got to see the lovely vision I am unshowered with bed hair, etc)......SHOULD is the operative word here. My "slovenly" self just wants to be free of shoulds...I'll get to it all, I always do, but right now I am just wanting to write, mostly about nothing, but I just seldom have the time to just do what I want. Ms G is busy watching the heavy bird traffic at the feeder and following spots of sun around the house. What a life!

This week I've had a very amazing event take place. For over 40 years I have been missing my best friend from high school....off and on I would try to find her, to no avail, but she would frequently re-surface in my mind, and many places I have visited would remind me of times we shared. This was not an ordinary friend, this was someone who's friendship took me away from my little life as a farmgirl, we spent parts of two HS summers together with her family in the "big city" of Washington, DC. Her parents were foreign diplomats and it opened up a whole new world to me.
Thanks to cyber-space I have found her through a blog created by her nephew. There has been much writing back and forth and sharing our life experiences in the long span of time which separated our lives. My mind is spinning with the memories which are flooding back of my young years and hearing her life stories, as well. It is the greatest feeling, a gift!

In other news....I went over to LM's last night after work......OMG, he has such a mess to clean up in that house. When Bob was healthy, the house was in perfect order and now, how very quickly it became so filled with the needs of an invalid. I asked LM if he wanted my help getting it back in order but he said no, that he would get it done. The analyst in me says he is just not getting to it because he is depressed about what has happened with Bob, and with John going back to jail. He has thrown himself into writing letters in appeal for John and using those things to delay thinking about what is happening in his immediate life. Aren't we all guilty of those diversionary tactics??? Look at me this morning. Anyway, I got a royal greeting, a huge hug, and a "let's go see Bob, and then I am taking you to dinner."

Speaking of John, yesterday afternoon, LM was able to arrange a 3-way phone conversation so that I could speak to him along with John. John is doing as well as can be expected and I was very happy to hear that he has already signed up to complete his GED. He's been needing to do this. It was hopeful to hear those words. Maybe he needed to go back. Sad as it is. It is a very big strain for LM, though, as each week he must put money in an account for John, the phone privileges are very expensive and he makes two visits a week. More drain on what reserves LM has. Someday, I hope John will be able to see what a toll this has taken on his father. LM never complains, just does, and lovingly.

Bob's was moved to a local nursing home, into a crowded room with another man who clearly has Alzheimer's disease, and who has TV blaring continuously, as well as a loud oxygen machine. We have no answers about what the plan is for Bob so that poses more uncertainty. Now we have to wait until Monday to know more. Hospice we hope.
We shared a nice dinner but it is obvious that LM's mind is spinning out of control. After that, I went grocery shopping - just my least favorite thing to do at 9:30 pm after a glass of wine...knowing that LM then had to go back to the house, pack some clothes and other necessities for Bob and go back to the nursing home.

I know it is one of my "faults" that I cannot deal with too much clutter.....I mean, after all, I usually clean closets and drawers when I am stressed, but how do I stop taking on "the clutter" of Bob's illness....both physical and emotional? Truly, I could sweep into that house and have the whole thing in perfect order in one day!! But, not my job...I do know the drill....I need to just let go, pray for Bob to have comfort, as well as LM, do something positive for myself and let LM make the decisions which are best for him at the time.
So, LM claims he is coming to my house tonight, ostensibly because he misses sleeping with Ms G....
Lot's of thinking out loud here....I am now over and out. On to my tasks at hand.
Happy weekend.....tomorrow I will visit Baby Teddy....YUM!

Friday

5 degrees here this morning.....a golden/pink glow is lighting up the view out my window of Oyster Pond. Many birds at the feeder and the cardinals are so lovely, perching on the frozen privet branches as they await their turn at the feeder. Trying to take myself to July when the privet blooms and the scent fills my rooms. Not successful, though, as I cannot seem to penetrate the cold outside, inside and deeper, still, in my mind. I seem to be numb right now. Have I just shut down?
Am I just plain tired of fighting the fight to keep my sanity while so many I love and care about are suffering and fighting their own battle to cope?

Once, again, a rally must prevail and work beckons successfully. After all, I just need to look out the window and see all the little birds industriously feeding and preparing themselves for their survival on this frigid winter day.

Bob may be discharged today but we know not where he will go....could be home, or a nursing facility. LM will find out this morning. I do not know how LM can continue to do the home care. Scary.

Chatham Winter Beauty

We awoke to a beautiful fresh snowfall this morning so I was out of the house early, in time to take some photos around town. I love the deep gray skies, as they create such dramatic setting for the snow. At one point during the day today, we had brilliant sunshine and everything just sparkled. Click on any of the photos to embiggen.
Looking S toward Stage Harbor Lighthouse.
One of our completed projects....
Stage Harbor
Another completed project
My favorite view....Lighthouse Beach SE
SE
Seagulls in the sand
NE
SE...there was a lovely strip of pink lighting the eastern horizon this morning.
These photos reflect a dramatic beginning to an emotional day.....John was returned to jail today. Very sad all the way around. He has been working full-time, supporting himself, living on his own, attending counseling and being a model citizen, BUT, the judge would not consider anything but the fact that he was found riding in a stolen car within a month of his release last June. One very STUPID move on John's part has cost him another year of his life. He will come up for parole again next February. So so sad. A hard life lesson to learn and now he must pay. It is just, except for the toll on his dear father. He will be 21 when next released.

Bob finished chemo today and tonight the discussion is on as to where he will go....home with hospice, a hospice facility or a nursing home. It will be decided tomorrow morning.

As for me, I am escaping into a movie and being a cat couch for the evening.

Diversions

Whaaaaaaaat????

We have two Bob's in our life, and the feline version cannot quite understand what all the fuss is about. Isn't the dishwasher the perfect place to take a nap??

Dear friend, Bob is still in the hospital, receiving the third and last day of chemo, and is stable for today.
Maybe being moved to hospice tomorrow or Friday.

Beautiful snow pictures coming later.

Wow, does it feel good to have the Obamas in the White House! HOPE

Groundhog Day

Random musings of a farmgirl. They call February 2nd Groundhog Day but in these parts those critters have always been known as woodchucks....on our farm they were plentiful and my black lab, aptly named, Blackie, made it his career to root out every woodchuck he could find......his paws always covered with dirt from the constant digging and funniest of all, his nose was always covered with dirt from trying to force his nose down the deep holes made by his furry quests. Blackie also loved to come in the house and plunk himself in the bed to leave a nice muddy mess. His other favorite pursuit was chasing cats in the house. I have vivid memories of him curled up sleeping under the coffee table, only to leap up suddenly to chase a passing cat, sending the table, and all on it, flying.
Anyway, this was really about woodchucks.... Yesterday Punxatawny Phil made his yearly appearance to announce whether or not winter would go on for 6 more weeks.....he says it will this year. Meanwhile, up here in Massachusetts we have our very own groundhog or woodchuck and TA DA, her name is Ms. G!!! Really, it is.....she lives north of Boston and from footage on the news yesterday, she lives high off the "hog." She emerged yesterday and announced that winter is over.....cannot prove that by me today as we are having snow all day!
My Ms. G does not seem to be phased by the fact that a famous woodchuck shares her name, and she has been continuing her winter behavior of nesting in my bed all day. Last night as the barometer began to drop with the aproaching storm, she did spend several hours running around and playing "fetch" with me, and this morning, all the bathroom rugs were askew.
Frisky = SPRING to me and I am ready!!

All these inanities are a diversion from the fact that Bob remains in the hospital this morning. After a night of receiving fluids and anti-biotics, he was more lucid yesterday and there were meetings with Dr's, oncologists, attorneys, and some distant relatives. LM is at full tilt and doing admirably well. He even managed to teach, as scheduled, last night, while I sat with Bob so he wouldn't have to worry. Bob has an aggressive small cell cancer which has spread from his bladder throughout his digestive system. Yesterday afternoon it was decided to do 3 days of heavy chemo. There is a slim chance that it will buy him some time....weeks to months. This gives us more chance to get things in order and, of course, some more time with him. We doubt he could come home again. There are a lot of issues to grapple with here but we are facing them one at a time. After working all day yesterday, then going to the hospital for several hours, I was exhausted and just collapsed in to bed at 9:30.....LM called me after he saw Bob at 10 and hearing my incoherency, he just told me to put down the phone and go back to sleep, remembering how much he loves me...sweet man! There is so much to consider with the fact that LM is now power of atty, decision maker, etc. for Bob. We most of all want Bob to be with us, but reality says it won't happen. It's a restless feeling that makes me want to dig myself a "woodchuck hole" and climb down in to the warm earth for a long nap. Cannot do that and must be "present" to help LM and Bob through this process. For now, Bob is receiving excellent care, he even ate a piece of the apple pie which I had made for him Sunday!!

Weekend Update

On the go all weekend.....with the constant expectation of Bob's loss in the background until yesterday, when we nearly faced it head-on. LM had to call 911 to have Bob taken to the hospital, where he remains this morning. One minute at a time....cancer has spread through much of his body but we await the official answer on that today. They did manage to get all the legal papers completed on Saturday and it was done exactly as Bob wished. His attorney is a good friend and neighbor who was wonderful in pulling it all together and will continue to be an advisor to LM. LM will be executor and inherit the estate. I truly do not know how LM is still standing with all the stress he has had during these past 6 months. We sat with Bob for 7-8 hours yesterday in the ER but he was unresponsive the entire time. He also has a raging UTI. So sad, He did acknowledge our presence once, and we were called on to make the DNR or not choice. LM is working that out with Bob's nephew. Moral dilemma, but I was very proud of how LM put himself in Bob's place, knowing him so well, and was going to base the decision on what he thought Bob would have wished. Still not sure of the final decision on that this morning. Bob rallied enough last night, after hours of fluids, to talk with LM and also talk with me on the phone around midnight. Very weak. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Probably hospice will come in to play. Lots of testing will be done today. At least he is safe and comfortable and LM is not struggling to manage this all at home. The ER care last night was beyond wonderful and they were packed with sick people and other situations. I've never seen it so busy.
LM and I were able to remain very close through this and we supported each other lovingly. They say you can truly judge character from reactions in a situation like this...LM is a saint in my estimation. He got home from the hospital after 1 this morning yet took time to write me a sweet e-mail and thank me for helping him get through the day. I really didn't feel like I did anything but sit by his side and help him to comfort Bob. We did spend a lot of time talking about all Bob has done in his life, and also about the unique friendship those two share. We shed some tears and lots of laughs over those memories. We also talked about all the practical matters which will be facing us when Bob dies. Precious moments. LM never knew how often Bob would call me in the evening and just chat like a best girlfriend....we had a lot of fun in the few years I have been part of the picture, and I am blessed to be his friend. Here's hoping there are some days left when the three of us can have some more laughs and sharing. Also, there will now be time to discuss the DNR/resuscitate? breathing tube? We want Bob to answer on his own.
I will come back later today with an update on Bob.

There were some fun and sweet moments on the weekend, too. Saw baby Teddy, Dad (thriving right now), my dear friend Sue made me Ginger tea and we shared a lovely visit on Saturday night. Talked with lots of my siblings, too.