Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Retreat

Sometimes, the confusion and pain just get to be too much. I forget that I cannot fix all things for all people, can you imagine that????  I just plain forget, until the struggle of trying begins to cut off my oxygen, and I lose myself.  I've been on the hunt....searching for me, looking in every corner, little success yet, but there is a glimmer. After all, this is familiar territory.  When numbness, anger and impatience emerged in my words, I knew my compassion had fled, my reserves were way too low, and I had to go away from the impossible frustration that is LM's life right now. My good intentions were strangling us all. 

I've retreated and way too slowly the self-inflicted noose is loosening, my breaths are becoming deeper, and LIFE GOES ON.  LM , my main source of "air" and love, is in a distant place, where he needs to be to care for his issues on his own, and I am just here if he needs to talk. We have no time together, and I feel freer away from the chaos that is of his own choosing.  I know it will pass, but I needed to free myself of that fray in order to breathe in life. Ellen is hanging on, if only by a thread. Her sister arrived from WY last night (the only relative). Kristi's angst intensifies daily. 

This decision to step back, although it allows me to breathe, is not without pain.

Ms G is coping by staying under the comforter on LM's bed, just about 24/7.  In the night, I hear, she goes to LM and taps his face many times, very softly, then retreats.  Sort of what I would like to do, but she's a good surrogate right now, as she cannot issue any hurtful demands.

Meanwhile, a lot of sewing and Christmas preparations have been made, my box to FL has been mailed, and I am gearing up for the awfulness that is the mandatory company Christmas party on Friday (awful in my mind only - it is actually, a beautiful and delicious event with vey nice people).

Time to get myself off to work......Love to all.






7 comments:

linda eller said...

As I just recently came to your blog, I am not in the loop as to what and who you are talking about in your blog this morning. All I can do is wish you a nice Tuesday, and I do!

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Sorry for the confusion, Linda..LM is my "boyfriend"....Kristi is his 44 yr old developmentally disabled daughter, now living with him because her mother, Ellen is dying from years of alcohol and smoking abuse. Tough situation. There is quite a bit about Kristi, and many pictures, in my archives.
Have a great day. So nice you stopped by.

Julie said...

Although this seperation pains me, I hope you and your family will have a very merry christmas and a happy new year all together.
How is your son doing?

Julie

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Thanks, Julie, think LM and I will be OK at some point.
My son is going through testing. He has a large tumor in his throat on or near the thyroid and it has taken away his voice. Very frightening. He'll have an ultrasound Thurs. Thanks for the wishes. I do know we will have nice holidays no matter what. Same to you!!

Beverly said...

Oh, I am so sorry all this is going on. I will be thinking of all you you. I hope your son's U/S is good. Keep us informed. You are so strong, and I know things will be fine with LM.......hugs to you.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

So sorry for all that is going on.
Been there
done that
I cannot handle all of this anymore
I have listened, prayed, stayed awake and no more
until I was almost a hospital case.
Please take care of yourself.
You do have a choice...

judemiller1 said...

We so want to help because we get so invested in the people we love, but...sometimes (especially at our age) it becomes too much and maybe our absenting ourselves will be more help to others. May all of this pass soon, LM can get Kristi settled and you two will be together, with Ms. Graysea once again. Love sent to you from me.