Sometimes, the confusion and pain just get to be too much. I forget that I cannot fix all things for all people, can you imagine that???? I just plain forget, until the struggle of trying begins to cut off my oxygen, and I lose myself. I've been on the hunt....searching for me, looking in every corner, little success yet, but there is a glimmer. After all, this is familiar territory. When numbness, anger and impatience emerged in my words, I knew my compassion had fled, my reserves were way too low, and I had to go away from the impossible frustration that is LM's life right now. My good intentions were strangling us all.
I've retreated and way too slowly the self-inflicted noose is loosening, my breaths are becoming deeper, and LIFE GOES ON. LM , my main source of "air" and love, is in a distant place, where he needs to be to care for his issues on his own, and I am just here if he needs to talk. We have no time together, and I feel freer away from the chaos that is of his own choosing. I know it will pass, but I needed to free myself of that fray in order to breathe in life. Ellen is hanging on, if only by a thread. Her sister arrived from WY last night (the only relative). Kristi's angst intensifies daily.
This decision to step back, although it allows me to breathe, is not without pain.
Ms G is coping by staying under the comforter on LM's bed, just about 24/7. In the night, I hear, she goes to LM and taps his face many times, very softly, then retreats. Sort of what I would like to do, but she's a good surrogate right now, as she cannot issue any hurtful demands.
Meanwhile, a lot of sewing and Christmas preparations have been made, my box to FL has been mailed, and I am gearing up for the awfulness that is the mandatory company Christmas party on Friday (awful in my mind only - it is actually, a beautiful and delicious event with vey nice people).
Time to get myself off to work......Love to all.