The Phantom

Just wondering if anyone else has had the experience of repeatedly seeing someone or thing that is really not there.  I think I am suffering "lack of cat presence".....being home a bit more often over the past few weeks, I have "seen" Ms. Graysea walking through doorways, by my feet and one particularly startling time, she jumped out of the shower when I was in the bathroom.  As most of my readers know, Ms G has been living with LM for about 4 years now and it amazes me that her shadow has not appeared before this.  So strange, but it does make me laugh.

We may get snow tomorrow!  We are going to visit the cat shelter tomorrow, maybe it is time for me to adopt a kitty.....we shall see.

Happy almost 2013.

FINALLY!

Our Christmas was so special in so many ways, but one of my highlights was finally giving my love, LM, his quilt!!  Mr fish loves it and says when he brought it home, Ms, G parked herself on it immediately to try it out.
The body of the quilt is made up of batik fish fabric, the first border is cats dancing to music, the large border represents the water, and finally a border of fabric representing sea grass where the best fish hide.

Morse photos later.....hope everyone is filled with the peace and joy of this special time of year. Love to all.

PS. Debbie - there is even a donkey on the back, oh, and a picture of Ms G, too. 

Merry Christmas!!

The beginning of sunset as we approached Provincetown during a little getaway with LM on Saturday.  Blustery winds!  We stopped in N. Truro to delver a little gift to friends, and our goal was to see the Chistmas lights at the Provincetown Monument come on, alas we missed the lighting by a split second. Nonetheless it seemed we had the normally bustling town to ourselves as we drove around admiring the beauty.  It was hard to keep our eyes down as the sky, clouds, moon and very slowly departing sun, created such magically mysterious effects.

 Fire shoots into the clouds from the sunset.

 The beautiful Provincetown Town Hall as seen through my very dirty windshield!

 My wonderful chauffeur found just the right vantage point to photograph the monument and we were amazed by the spectral effect from the clouds.  My grandparents brought us to P-Town every year in the summer and we had such fun climbing to the top of the monument to admire the spectacular views over Cape Cod.

 Another......we parked here and walked in to the town to have an early dinner at cozy and fun Napi's.

 Before dinner we had driven out on to MacMillan Wharf - not a soul around.  I love the glow of the sunset at the base of the monument. 

 The moon attempts to light up one of the piers at the end of the wharf.

As we drove off the wharf and into town, we were welcomed by this display of lighted lobster pots - a P-Town tradition and a salute to the town's heritage and industry.
It was a lovely Christmas interlude and we were so grateful to mother nature for putting on such a lovely show as a backdrop for the beauty of one of our favorite places.

We are off to spend Christmas Eve with Jason and family. I hear that Tedy is counting down the minutes until we all arrive. Really, he only wants to see Lou "Woo" and Samantha but he'll get Nana and Sara, too.

Tomorrow we will have a quiet day and dinner with LM's children at his house.

Very proud of my brother Sam's sons, Danny and Nate today. Danny designed and engineered the "Follow Santa" program on Google's home page today. Santa is very busy.  Nate is in Belgium competing in a cyclocross world event, representing the USA.  An amazing experience.

Merry Christmas with lots of love! 

Random Photos from the Past Month

Kristi and her Dad - the day her mother went to the hospital and also the day that she broke her ankle. We attended a tribute dinner for a 50+ yr friend of LM's that night and poor Kristi looked so stressed.

At the tribute dinner - our friend, Mary to the right.

Looking a little happier, Kristi sitting by a beautiful hillside of bittersweet on the day after Thanksgiving.

Our beautiful Samantha came to visit just after Thanksgiving when we had a little birthday dinner for her Mom, Sara.

Sara and Samantha

Teddy about to enter a winter wonderland display in Hyannis. He was so excited.

Teddy 4th birthday "Construction site" birthday cake - made by his Mum and Dad!

The birthday boy in all his glory.

Ogling the gifts!

Sheer excitement.

Alison's Christmas village display in their transom windows.

We are still holding watch with Kristi's mother, and also awaiting a biopsy for son, Jason (12/28).  This is a very busy time of year and we are trying to pace ourselves as we want there to be a joyous Christmas, even as we face the challenges of serious health issues for some loved ones. 

LM and I managed to have 24 hrs of blissful time alone last weekend, and we are very grateful for that time as there is not much of it ahead. 

Our problems are truly insignificant compared to the losses those in Newtown, CT are facing. We've been left so shaken by the magnitude of this tragedy. 

This weekend I will be house sitting, finishing wrapping, baking, and looking forward to the magic, joy and love that is having Teddy, Samantha and my children together for Christmas.

Oh, and one more photo of my beloved fisherman - still out there on winter days catching striped bass on a fly rod (and throwing them back  It's how he keeps his sanity.

Wishing all of my dear blog readers and family a beautiful Christmas and lots of love!

Retreat

Sometimes, the confusion and pain just get to be too much. I forget that I cannot fix all things for all people, can you imagine that????  I just plain forget, until the struggle of trying begins to cut off my oxygen, and I lose myself.  I've been on the hunt....searching for me, looking in every corner, little success yet, but there is a glimmer. After all, this is familiar territory.  When numbness, anger and impatience emerged in my words, I knew my compassion had fled, my reserves were way too low, and I had to go away from the impossible frustration that is LM's life right now. My good intentions were strangling us all. 

I've retreated and way too slowly the self-inflicted noose is loosening, my breaths are becoming deeper, and LIFE GOES ON.  LM , my main source of "air" and love, is in a distant place, where he needs to be to care for his issues on his own, and I am just here if he needs to talk. We have no time together, and I feel freer away from the chaos that is of his own choosing.  I know it will pass, but I needed to free myself of that fray in order to breathe in life. Ellen is hanging on, if only by a thread. Her sister arrived from WY last night (the only relative). Kristi's angst intensifies daily. 

This decision to step back, although it allows me to breathe, is not without pain.

Ms G is coping by staying under the comforter on LM's bed, just about 24/7.  In the night, I hear, she goes to LM and taps his face many times, very softly, then retreats.  Sort of what I would like to do, but she's a good surrogate right now, as she cannot issue any hurtful demands.

Meanwhile, a lot of sewing and Christmas preparations have been made, my box to FL has been mailed, and I am gearing up for the awfulness that is the mandatory company Christmas party on Friday (awful in my mind only - it is actually, a beautiful and delicious event with vey nice people).

Time to get myself off to work......Love to all.

LOVE

She just plain knows!!  Knows how to love, to listen, and to be there.  She knows how to bring smiles, knowing glances, and to offer her warm fur for a pat.  You are our angel, Ms Graysea.

Guessing Game

Can you guess what this is????

....and, speaking of guessing games, we still await whatever will happen with Kristi's Mom. She is in complete denial of her condition, and has told the nursing home that she is going home tomorrow.  She cannot walk and/or barely move by herself. Calls for help to Elder Services and the nursing home social worker remain unanswered and we wait.  It is all very hard and taking a toll.

On the weekend I was house sitting for my boss's dogs, and in between times to let them out, feed them, etc, we went to Ellen's house and I dug in to some cleaning again as her sister is coming from WY and plans to stay there beginning next Monday.  We made somewhat of a dent in the awful mess, and Kristi cleared a path to her bed and we put on clean sheets so that she can stay with her aunt for some of the time.
I can feel LM cracking under the strain of all this, and Ellen still remains steadfast about not preparing a will or even paying her current household bills. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass and the main focus is on doing what I can to relieve LM.  Yesterday I took Kristi with me all day and she played with the dogs and we did all of her Dad's laundry to save him the work.
 Today is the first day that I feel this situation cracking my armor of compassion.  I've a health issue with my son to worry about, too, and it is making me very tired and distracted.  Oh, well.  Coming in to this very busy season of parties (so many of them are inescapable) adds to the pressure.

On the bright side, today is a gloriously warm and sunny day and I went to the beach at lunch and watched the crows play in the sunshine and listened to the waves as I turned my face to the sun.  I am planning on there being residuals from that hour of peace!

Love to all.