Despite the fact that I have pared Christmas down to close family, with no huge events, etc. I am swimming way too hard against the tide of my emotions.
I tried sorting this out in counseling the other night and all we came up with is the fact that I am too demanding of myself at all times. Now, I ask, how do I control that? I've been snarky and downright mean lately to people I love with all my heart. I am blessed with patient loved ones.
It breaks my heart when I am impatient, strident and unsympathetic to those I love.
There are times I feel anger - mostly at myself. My intuition tells me it could be grief. I just do not know. On top of it all, I have anxiety so severe that it stops me in my tracks and causes painful stomach cramping. Pro-actively, I have been trying to get rest, eat healthily, and do a lot of focused breathing, as well as little walks.
It is not just the holidays.....Saturday is Mum's birthday and anniversary of her death, Dad is not with me to talk about it, nor is he here to relive our old holiday memories. My life was so intertwined with theirs and I realize this is all just an adjustment. Similar to how our monetary system has been adjusting itself. Necessary but painful.
Not sure where I am going with all this, but it seemed important to write.
This will all pass....life will continue to flow, understanding and love will abound, and eventually, I will feel joy and lightness again if only for a time, and I will be deeply grateful for that glimpse. I have faith in those facts, and perhaps this post is a way of reminding myself to believe, mostly in myself.
I need to stop swimming so hard or I will end up like the salmon.