Thursday, December 17, 2009

How it REALLY is

Despite the fact that I have pared Christmas down to close family, with no huge events, etc. I am swimming way too hard against the tide of my emotions.
I tried sorting this out in counseling the other night and all we came up with is the fact that I am too demanding of myself at all times. Now, I ask, how do I control that? I've been snarky and downright mean lately to people I love with all my heart. I am blessed with patient loved ones.
It breaks my heart when I am impatient, strident and unsympathetic to those I love.

There are times I feel anger - mostly at myself. My intuition tells me it could be grief. I just do not know. On top of it all, I have anxiety so severe that it stops me in my tracks and causes painful stomach cramping. Pro-actively, I have been trying to get rest, eat healthily, and do a lot of focused breathing, as well as little walks.
It is not just the holidays.....Saturday is Mum's birthday and anniversary of her death, Dad is not with me to talk about it, nor is he here to relive our old holiday memories. My life was so intertwined with theirs and I realize this is all just an adjustment. Similar to how our monetary system has been adjusting itself. Necessary but painful.
Not sure where I am going with all this, but it seemed important to write.
This will all will continue to flow, understanding and love will abound, and eventually, I will feel joy and lightness again if only for a time, and I will be deeply grateful for that glimpse. I have faith in those facts, and perhaps this post is a way of reminding myself to believe, mostly in myself.
I need to stop swimming so hard or I will end up like the salmon.


Anonymous said...

Your not going to end up like salmon, althoug Ms G might not mind! You might just be overthinking, and as we all have told you, grief takes time. As for wanting to talk to your Dad about your mom, you can talk to him. He IS there. He can hear you. You just go right ahead and talk like he was standing there. He is the added ray of sunshine coming through your window, he is the snow flake on your glass window, he is the silence in your room, he is the bird sitting in your tree. Oh, he is there all right. So, talk to him about your mom and you will feel strangly at peace. I wish for you a snarky free and happy Christmas. Don't over think and know they are both with you. I will keep you in my prayers and Teddy will keep you smiling. Merry Christmas Marcia...debbie

One Woman's Journey said...

Marcia, my mother passed away 8 years ago. I was her main caregiver. I truly thought I can never smile again. My eyes looked dead. Then gradually I came back to life and I could smile and laugh.
Time takes care of everything. You know that. Do not be to hard on yourself. Take one day at a time - look to the future and do not live in the past.
Merry Christmas to you.

Poppy said...

We're quite the pair, are we not? I am you and you are often we seem to be in the same place at the same time.

I agree with your friend, Debbie...your parents are there with you. Always. I know it may seem a little silly to talk to them but I talk to my Grandma and Grandpa all the time. I talk to Jayden. I sit at the cemetery and pour it all out. I feel so much better when I let it go rather than hold it in or fight against it.

I'm trying hard to learn to feel what I feel when I feel it. It's helping a lot. I also refuse to think about time tables or stages of grief, or trying to determine where I am in the cycle. I think that's impossible to pinpoint. My grief is ever changing. My ability to cope is always in flux. My emotions are like mercury, ebbing and flowing at will.

I do believe my new motto will be "Roll with it Baby!"

You hang in there. As someone else said, don't be so hard on yourself. I'll even share the advice you give me with you :)

We are going to make it through all this and come out on the other side. I just know we are.

Sending you lots of hugs...