Conspicuous in his Absence

This long weekend was truly a gift to me, a time to begin the healing process from Bob's loss and and a time for LM and I to be alone together and find "us" again. We spent a good deal of time cleaning and organizing at Bob's house and it looks so much better - back to the way he kept it with some streamlined improvements. We've made a big dent in the process of gathering all the paperwork, and after many trips to the transfer station, it is a lot less cluttered with medical care mess which had amassed. With the help of my daughter, Sara and husband, Richie. We got rid of an old mattress and the non-functioning TV and had a chance for a little visit with their sweet Samantha who came along to help. They also picked up the twin bed which Bob had been going to give them for a long time, but never got done. It will be Samantha's "big girl" bed, beginning tonight. She is cuddling the Valentine pillow I gave her for her new bed! There is now a beautiful new flat screen TV!! We have done some discussion about me moving there but I am approaching that change very slowly and deliberately. We need to have legal things in place to safeguard my future, etc. There is also much to do first. Fun to think about, but plans must be prudent and proceed slowly over the next year.

We spent a lot of time talking about Bob.....I catch sadness in LM's face at times but he keeps on going and doing what he must as executor of Bob's estate. The grief is strange. Today, I had lunch with a great and inspiring friend and as we were discussing Bob, I burst into tears. It was totally unexpected and took a few minutes to catch my composure. It is hard to describe what a dear friend and loyal supporter he was of my relationship with LM. A very sweet thing.

Saturday evening was the first time LM has spent any length of time at my house in over three months. We settled in to watch a movie and within 1 minute, Ms G was in his lap, her sweet warm body was against his chest and she seemed to be doing her best to absorb his grief. This went on all night. She is a dear creature and LM was overtaken with emotion at her tenderness.
Below is the sweet girl, soaking up some heat from the table lamp. The white spot on her neck seems to be glowing like the star she is Love that cat.
So there is lots of love around right now, yet a pensiveness pervades, as we are feeling a terrible void where Bob used to be.
Today, after I had lunch in town, I brought LM a bouquet of daffodils to brighten "his" house, and some food I had cooked this morning. He just needs extra nurturing after all he has given of himself. Me too, and I am getting plenty of it right back.

Ahhhhhhhh

......that's the sound of happiness from my corner today. It is all relative, nonetheless, life is peaceful, sweet and Ms G is happily herding LM around as he does his morning routine here.

So, I'm taking a little time away from here to savor sunny day with my Valentine. It's a long weekend for me and I have several nice things planned and LM and I are going to working around "his" house today.

Freaky Date with Destiny

Amidst our grief for Bob, today is a very important anniversary of sorts.....When these pictures were taken last year as we took a Sunday morning walk on Lighthouse Beach, it was about 10 degrees with 30-40 M.P.H. winds, but we were thoroughly enjoying the briskness and beauty, not to mention our love. We were fresh off our Dec-Jan two week road trip to FL,

and lovin' life, as my dear daughter always says. Little did we know, that as we breathed in that wonderful cold air, LM was experiencing the first stages of a heart attack which would cause him to "die" and be brought back on 2/13, and on Valentine's Day result in a quadruple by-pass. Obviously, LM has made a wonderful recovery and we are so so grateful to have had another year together.
This morning, I am remembering, Bob's role in his recovery and my emotional recovery, as well. He was by my side as we waited during surgery, prayed together, and got each other through, as well as LM. When LM was discharged, it was Bob who took care of LM day and night, because I finally had to return to work. Interesting how life turned that around in the past few months as LM took care of Bob through his death. We feel so fortunate to have experienced these events, as sad as they were, and are reflecting on them today. They were love at its finest.

For LM, 2/13 is a double whammy, as today is the anniversary of the death of his former partner/love, Lillian. That's a lot of sadness I've put down right here, but through each of those events has come renewal, great love and joy.

We feel that today, as we are going forward.

Seeing that LM went to VERY EXTREME methods to avoid Valentine's Day last year, we are looking forward to tomorrow.....media-created love fest that it is, we are such romantics at heart and are falling for it.....we will celebrate our hearts and our love with a lot of gratitude, and maybe a piece of chocolate! We will also remember, with great humility and thanks, the caring and quick action of the staff at Cape Cod Hospital who saved LM's life, and also those who very compassionately eased the end of Bob's life. I must also praise LM's wise decision to get himself to the hospital when he felt a very sharp pain in his shoulder and neck. One would not have thought a heart attack was causing that pain, and initially, it was thought to be a muscle ache; even an EKG was normal. It was the raised enzyme level on a blood test which caused concern and the decision to have LM admitted for observation. He was in a room directly across from the nurse's station when massive heart failure occured at 4 am the following morning and with very quick professional action, they were able to bring him back. The rest is history. He is with us and healthy!

Plans for a memorial for Bob are taking shape and will most likely occur in two weeks. Meanwhile, LM is making good progress doing his job as executor and getting some much needed rest, as well, as doing some cleaning in Bob's house. Bob left me a collection of antique Valentine's and they will be very poignant as I enjoy them tomorrow.
Thank, you, thank you, to all who have stopped by here and left comments or sent emails. They have helped more than you could ever know.
May your Friday the 13th be fun and a little bit freaky!!

Aftermath

The confusion of feelings right now has me sleepless. I cannot stop the speeding carousel in my brain. Spent more than 4 hours going through and organizing papers (bad choice but productive) at Bob's house last night. Made LM a dinner. It was just us. Surreal. Laughter, sadness, surprising revelations, and exhaustion overtook our emotions. There were lots of phone calls and finally, I had to come home. More info during the day today about arrangements for a memorial service, but it will not take place for several weeks. Strange limbo feeling. LM has so so much to do.
Sleep eluded me after a brief 1 hour nap from 11 pm-midnight. This is all so much more complicated than we expected. We remind ourselves that it is an almost year-long process to have things settled. It will be a time when I have to make life-changing decisions. But, right now, it is day to day, and helping LM to cope. We realize there is such a huge void....everyday for so many months has been filled with caring for Bob, now there is nothing but the detritus of that life.
Thank you EVERYONE for all the love and special notes. It helps so much. The light of day will bring perspective and, of course, a trip to the ocean before work.

LM and Bob at the beach in North Chatham last Spring:
Update:
I forget who sings the song "I Love a Rainy Night" but it could be my theme song, as I can always sleep beautifully on such nights.....as I finished what I was writing here about 3:00 am, and decided to try to sleep again, I heard a lovely soft rain beginning to fall!! What a gift and after a few meditative breaths, I was able to drift off. I found this photo above and thought it appropriate for this time....they were contemplating the likelihood of catching a fish from that beach, adjacent to my boss's house where I was house sitting. We'd had a lovely walk to that view. I will miss you so very much my gentle friend!! You never failed to impress me with your knowledge and caring about others.

Bob

Bob died today at 2:30 pm.

Thank you to so many for all your kindness and prayers.

Time to be with my love and help him through this transition. He has lost his dear, dear friend of many years.

No News

Still waiting.....sat by Bob's bed with LM for hours.....very caring nurses keeping Bob and LM comfortable. He is on morphine to ease his breathing, and off any sort of life support. LM insisted I come home and sleep. It was fleeting. Bob was so very frail and unresponsive last night. Early afternoon yesterday he was able to smile upon seeing LM. Never thought Bob would make it through the night but he is still alive this morning, just barely. LM still by his side.

Trying to get ready for work. Painful to be away from LM...so sad for Bob but he is no longer aware or suffering. Cancer is so bad....!

LIFE Goes On

Teddy December 24, 2008

Teddy, February 7, 2009!

As we continue the watch of Bob's decline, with not much time to get out into nature, I remembered that I had the perfect example of life going on in a most beautiful form, right on my camera. Ah, sweet happiness, sweet life: Baby Teddy!! (I will have to give up the baby prefix at some point but I'm enjoying it way too much right now!!)

LM had such a stressful day yesterday. He was at the hospital for 12 hours meeting with various medical people, and some distant relatives of Bob's who came to visit. Bob is unable to talk, and clear his lungs. We wait. I watched the caller ID on my work phone all day, waiting for "The call." Doctors said yesterday morning that Bob would not live more than 2-3 days. There should be an easier way, is all I can say.

LM urged me not to drive all the way in town to the hospital last night so I stayed home and baked!!! Seems I am morphing totally into my mother. I know she baked to cope!!
For a distraction I watched the movie, "Dreamgirls" and loved it. The music and performances were great. I'm a little behind with a lot of movies, so it was a good night to hide out in the make believe!