Clear cool, dry air and sparkly sunshine lit up Cape Cod today. It seems everything is better when the sun shines, feelings become sharper as well. I needed to get groceries for the weekend but waited for the crowds to move out and left the house around 7:30. The evening shadows were starting to deepen and as as I got into my car, I was struck by the sudden realization that there is a deafening silence in my life these days. I saw this as a moment of clarity, and there was not the accustomed sadness, just realization that Dad's death has created this silence. At once, came the thought that I am free to do many things I could not do before, free to make choices, formerly painful, for fear I would be neglecting Dad. This silence sits well with me tonight. Shopping was fun, and I've just cut up some lovely peaches which will adorn my breakfast tomorrow.....these days I can linger over a Saturday morning breakfast and not feel pressured to get in the car and rush to Dad. The desire to share my daily adventures and observations with Dad does still create a deep pain in my soul, and I suppose, as many have said, I will get to a point where I can "talk to him" and share in that way. Meanwhile, I am very fortunate to have LM in my life, and he loves to hear every minute of my day (he even absorbs what I say and comments later....a first with me in a relationship), and I love sharing his, too.
Tomorrow is farmers' market day, and the rest will be spent with LM in the garden at his house. I'm consciously cultivating simplicity in my life right now, and the reward seems to be some inner peace.