Thursday, June 18, 2015


Today I have fallen into a blue sad, and barely enough energy to see to Teddy and get through to this late part of the day.  Loss hit me hard in the soul, and I know it is simply life, and that othe's are dealing with this on an even grander scale, but seeing a dear friend, my age, who is coming to the point where illness has diminished her to 80lbs of skeleton, and disability, has me face to face with the norm of aging. It hurts, and I just cannot define it any further.

Amidst all the life experiences of the past year, I have managed to spend a lot of time with friends who've been with me through thick and thin, some since my childhood. Among them, is my friend, Priscilla. We were reunited about 5-6 years ago, when I discovered that she was living in a town very near me. We'd been close friends through parts of grade school and all of high school and beyond, through the years when we both had 3 children, all the same ages and genders in the same order.  We were both married numerous times, and had some very tough times.  Finding each other again, made it seem like we'd never lost touch. We both still love cats, and and have vivid recall of all our silly teen year chatter, boyfriends, etc.  Priscilla's had some major health problems and come through them with the tough and positive spirit she has always maintained, but now she faces leaving the beloved family lakeside cottage she inherited from her parents, and moving to accommodations in her daughter's home in New Hampshire. Last September she had major surgery to remove an aneurism, and  has been recovering at a snail's pace. I've visited her regularly in the hospital and the rehab center where she remained until just 2 months ago.  She cheered me on through my recent knee replacement from her rehab bed, and we had some great laughs, but setback after setback has prevailed. It has come to the point where she cannot be alone.  This move means she must surrender her beloved cat, Pepper, who, right now, has been very busy delighting in having his "Mum" back home after her 6 month absence and care from others.

Priscilla holds in her heart close memories of my parents, both gone, and I am sure that is casting the blue shadow on my heart, too. She's one of the precious few who hold those memories I treasure, and it seems like a countdown to more loss is underway.

 As we caught up on the past several months, while looking out over the lake today, I could feel the choke of grief starting to consume me. I hated that, as I wanted to feel Priscilla's strength, and practical optimism that she is doing the right thing. Due to her physical weakness, we cut our visit short, I promising to return again very soon, and I came directly home in a daze, forgoing all the planned errands of the day, as my body felt like collapsing. 

My friends are all so precious to me, but life will take these relationships where it wants, and, once again, as I have so many times in the past, especially this year, must adapt.  


Sharon said...

I'm sorry to read this Marcia. I feel your sadness. I'm reading a book, The Desire Map, that advises we not squash feelings but accept and feel them. Not easy but healthy. Take care of yourself while you care about your friend. Hugs to you ~

Judy said...

Reminds me of the last few months with my best friend, since first day of Kindergarten. It seemed she was so positive and cheery and I'd get in my car and cry all the way home. At least, like you, she has family to stay with and not have to go into a nursing home (my greatest fear). I know how you feel Marcia and there is nothing to do but to--keep going forward, onward!

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Thanks Judy and Sharon. Now it is morning, and the blue fog has lifted, and several ideas have come forth. I have come up with ways I can move forward, help Priscilla, and keep my self afloat as well. Nice to know others understand and I am grateful!!!
The weekend is here and that means it is LM time.
Happy day to you both.

Julie said...

It is difficult to always remain positive and light...I lost dad in January and mom in May. People keep telling me how strong I've been and how they can't believe I'm back to work and functioning.
I'm waiting...just waiting for the straw that will break the back.
I have my moments of tears and sorrow, but mostly in private.
Hopefully the sun will energize me and keep me moving.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Dear Julie,
Sometimes looking and feeling positive when you have such a heavy weight inside, is so painful, paralyzing really. I know that place well. I a so sorry to hear about your recent losses. The grief is an unpredictable living creature that somehow we come to live with, even though it is so unruly.
I've managed to keep going by acting, as if....
My thoughts are with you for peace and ease with it all.