Shifting Focus from the Inevitable

Today I am trying to distract myself from the fact that I will have surgery tomorrow....trying to keep my focus on the loving man who will be by my side and bring me home, on the family party which will soon reunite many of my loved ones at a belated Thanksgiving gathering on Dec 1, on the fact that this is most likely the LAST surgery to repair the disastrous side effects of radiation 12 years ago. I will have a rebuilt jaw and new teeth when I am done. This cannot possibly be worse than the first procedure which re-built my sinuses and top jaw a few years back.
It still has my stomach in an uproar and I cannot wait for it to be over. Today I am enjoying some foods which I can chew as I will be on liquids for an unknown length of time.
I am sure Ms. G will take good care of me as well.
Stay tuned!

Sidetrips

On the way to completing a birthday dinner for a dear friend last evening, I managed to end up in the ER!! Thanks to a box of plastic wrap and its very sharp serated edge (the box began to drop from my hands and in the process of catching it, I slammed it hard onto the counter with the sharp edge exposed to my left hand). I turned the dinner party into what looked like a massacre with copious, seemingly unstoppable bloodshed . My dear calm LM sped me off to the local fire station where they stemmed the bloodshed and recommended that I get to the ER for stitches. Amidst terrible hard pain, I was held in the arms of LM's sweet love and comfort while a physician's assistant in training ably sewed up the large, deep gash in my hand. The pain kept intensifying and the powerful Vicodin they handed me at the ER became mandatory if I were to get any sleep. WELL, that I did! LM lovingly tucked me in to bed, cleaned up the entire kitchen and quietly went home. I finally woke up 17 hrs later and it has taken me 7 more hours to feel halfway normal. The hand is throbbing at a dull roar and I think I will survive but I know one thing for sure - I will never use the plastic wrap without remembering Bob's birthday celebration!! At least we got to enjoy the dinner and yummy apple pie before the massacre!

Sisters et al

My talented and inspiring sister-in-law spun the pictured yarn and made these beautiful sox. To see more of what she is creating, visit http://www.spinnifer.blogspot.com/

I have 3 wonderful sisters and 3 fantastic sisters-in-law. Each, in their own way, have inspired me to create and grow. I really feel they are my best friends and I am so very grateful.

Life is returning to normal here after hurricane Noel dealt us a heavy blow last weekend. We were without power for 24 hrs, lots of tree damage, wires down, flooding and beach erosion. Two houses were destroyed on the outer beach. The winds were very frightening at times. LM was with me and we managed to get to my boss's house to tend to his dogs....I house sit for them each Fall weekend as their son is starting quarterback at Yale and they travel to the games (so far undefeated....GO YALE!!) Saturday evening was the worst and we sat in the darkened house waiting for the gusts to ease out.Finally after many hours it became still. WHEW. LM and I have both lived through very severe hurricanes in the 50's and 60's here in coastal New England so we knew the potential. It was sort of fun but then having no heat got old very fast!

Time at Last

T.I.M.E. = This I must experience.
A valuable lesson in my life. A myriad of life experiences later, I find it really is now time for me to savor, embrace and humbly recognize that I am truly loved in so many ways and that I am worthy of that love. For so long I felt I was not, I did my best to repel love in many ways. I guess I needed to wait to be loved by the right man. He has arrived!! Speaking of time, 2 months or more have passed since I last wrote, mostly taken up by falling in love and savoring every second.
I have known LM for 15 years. We have been friends all that TIME, respecting and caring about each other and our respective children. We saw each other every Monday night at my previous job (where he still teaches). There was always a spark, always caring and sharing; there was even teasing by my co-workers who sensed how he felt about me. No line was ever crossed, but there were warm smiles aways and a big hug when I retired.
In the first year after I retired (only from that job, as I moved on to a wonderful new career in the world of architecture), LM called me to say he would like to take me to dinner to thank me for all the help during our work relationship. It never happened and I thought about him often. When I was informed, 3 years later, that his longtime partner, Lillian, died of breast cancer, I was heartsick for him and wrote him a card to say just that. Within a week or so he called me to thank me for the card and we did make a time to have dinner. LM arrived with flowers and a warm hug. The chemistry between us was VERY strong that evening. We shared a long evening, a lovely dinner, a lot of talking about our lives, still we did not discuss feelings for each other. When he asked if we could get together again I said no and that he needed TIME to heal and grieve his loss.

I thought a lot about the chemistry I felt that night but knew LM really needed TIME...thus, many months passed, I dealt with some family issues, worked on my health, ended a brief relationship which was making me feel guilty, unhappy, less than a woman and just not right.

I decided to just go on being single, taking good care of myself, my family and finding joy in my everyday life.....I was feeling on top of my game, and WOW, the phone rang and LM was on the other end. It was TIME for a date !!!! Within 3 days we were on that date and it was the most magical night I have ever known. Since that first date, I have been enveloped in the arms of a love I have NEVER known. It is filled with caring, respect, and passion, and there is no agenda except to care about each other and to love each other each day. OFTEN we speak with awe about how long it took us, complete with many interesting side trips, to get where we are now, but it has been a sweet wait, simmering within, perhaps more in him than in me, as I just never thought I could be worthy of someone like him. A girl can dream, though and sometimes those dreams come true. LM makes me feel special, thought about, and loved everyday in so many ways. He is a very positive thinker, remembers what is important to me, what I am doing, if I need something, caring about my family and his, and best of all, he is spontaneously romantic and very open with his thoughts and feelings. We are spending hours and hours talking and really getting to know each other.

TIME will tell where this journey will lead but right now each day is a miracle, we both feel so alive, so in love and know our TIME is here. We talk a lot about how nice it is to have this deep love now at ages 64 and 70, as we don't have a lot of other life issues to contend with, we have TIME to focus, savor and care for one another without pressures. It feels so right.
Of course, all those who have known us both through the years are so so happy and giving us "I told you so's"...very sweet. MMMMMMMMMM!!
Happiness reigns!!

PS. Ms. Graysea adores LM and he adores her....I often catch him down at her level talking sweet talk to her and patting her gently!

Changes

The past month has brought a lot of change; with that has come growth, grief and gratitude.
The farm and house where I grew up has been sold. The day the legal work was processed was really hard and there was a lot of comforting to do with siblings who are far away and with my Dad for whom this is a major passage in life. He cried and kept saying, "Mum should have lived to share in this, she should have been part of the decision". Once again, after nearly 5 years, he was grieving her loss along with that of the land where they began their marriage and where she died, where all of us very fortunate children grew and were loved like no others. We are all starting to recover and are comforted by the fact that the land will be developed into a beautiful new street and it will be called Morse Farm Estates. The street will be Barred Rock Lane (after the type of chickens my Dad raised).

More grief came in the form of death...a very beloved co-worker died on July 23. The entire company is still in mourning, as well as all of our clients. There were several well-attended memorial services and the entire town extended their arms to his widow and son. I had to do most of the phone calls to clients and others who truly loved "our Bobby" and it was new tears each time. People are still coming in to the office on business and are bowled over by the news, many reduced to tears and I must relate the story of his quick passing again. Gratitude comes from this tragic loss to make me cherish each day, to be true to myself, to love and do whatever I can for those around me.

Growth came in the form of realizing that my current relationship, barely 7 months old, was just not working. I was feeling very annoyed and guilty all the time. it seemed I could never give enough, never fill the needs of this person. I feel it was growth on my part to let him be free to seek a partner who can give him what he wants. He was good to me in many ways and I wish him all the happiness in the world. There are those around me who say....do not get involved with anyone ever again, but my spirit will not allow that. It has been a few weeks and my heart feels light again. There was tremendous stress trying to be someone I wasn't, someone that someone else wanted me to be.
I have decided that it is best to let love come to me this time, not to actively search as I have in the past, trying to be a chameleon for someone. A very special friend of 15 years may just be that person....MMMMMMMM! A bolt out of the blue 5 days ago.

I am grateful for my bouyant spirit, the love around me and all the beauty in which I live. Had a great visit with my dear SIL from Baltimore and we had an awesome time at an Arlo Guthrie/Richie Havens concert. Life is good.

Beaches and Breaches

BREACHES AND BEACHES

Cape Cod is a fragile flexed arm of land; my town, Chatham is on the tip of the elbow, jutting into the beautiful North Atlantic Ocean.
We are prone to the beatings of storms called nor’easters which in a matter of hours can change our entire shoreline. There is a beautiful barrier beach (North Beach) along our coast which serves as a buffer from these storms and is part of the Cape Cod National Seashore (a project of John F Kennedy which saved this vast area of beautiful dunes, beaches, and forests from ever being developed and to be enjoyed by everyone). There are some camps or cottages there, accessed by 4-wheel drive and treasured by their owners. On April 22 the barrier beach was breached by huge surf and in a matter of hours a large protective dune was gone, creating an island of what remains of the beach….there are about 10 camps now on the island and the only access is by small boat from the mainland.
The power of the ocean never ceases to amaze me.
At this point, a few weeks later, it looks like the breach will not close. This now leaves many homes and beaches very vulnerable to erosion and loss. This is the process of living on these constantly shifting sands.
It reminds me of life, mine especially, when, at any given moment we can become so vulnerable, and so threatened by something (someone) whom (that) we love, leaving us an island. Then we seek daily solace in (the ocean). It happened to me several years ago. Still not sure I will ever recover, but like beautiful Cape Cod we adapt, go on and the shock lessens. Every day, I go to look at my beloved ocean; there is new perspective as I watch the breach in North Beach. Life is beautiful!

New Beginnings - Happy Easter

First....a word from Ms. Graysea to say she is fine shape now that she exercises everyday with her very own personal trainer! She drags that wire toy to me when I get on the bike and INSISTS that I play with her. She also brings it to me when I am trying to sleep.

Now on to my March miracles!

March has been a month of miracles in our family....meet baby Samantha (3 weeks old), and her Mom, Sara (my middle daughter) and her Dad, Richie. Samantha came into the world on March 1 after a fairly easy delivery. I had the honor of being there that day and we were all deliriously happy. Samantha is Richie's first child and he has just been awesome in preparing for the arrival and helping Sara to have a very healthy pregnancy despite many health challenges.

We were all ready to welcome Samantha home from the hospital on Sat, March 3, but that was all rudely interrupted by a major health crisis for Sara. At 6 am still at the hospital and nursing the baby, Sara had a major grand mal seizure and heart failure. For 4 long days, Sara was on life support and it was unknown what the outcome would be for her. She was med-flighted from Cape Cod Hospital to Boston where more intensive cardiac care was available and a large contingent of family waited out those days in suspended disbelief....waited and waited. Finally on the 5th day Sara came off life support and was able to speak with us and be told what happened. After a joyous few hours, Sara retreated into a near catatonic state and we all were returned to an abject state of fear but dear Richie somewhere found the faith to tell us all that she would be OK. Her brain just overwhelmed. Even the Dr's did not know, but Richie sat by Sara's side, held her hand and assured her that we all loved her and it was OK to rest. In an agonizingly slow manner, Sara came back to us and then in several days we were able to bring the baby to Boston, with the help of my son's incredibly loving wife, Alison. When Sara was able to hold Samantha we were all overcome. Such joy! Within a few more days, Sara was home and on her way to recovery and fully involved in motherhood again after what seemed an eternity.

This event brought Sara's two other children, long estranged from her, back to us all again and it is indeed a miracle. Sara's Dad, and wife came from FL and I was so so comforted by all the love around me....they are dear friends. My beloved co-worker, Nancy took over loving Ms. Graysea each day and giving her ample amounts of Whiskas Temptations..I am so blessed to work with such great people.

After Sara came home, daughter, Anne, came from FL to be with us for a week and that was such a joy and comfort, too.
We are all so relieved.....Easter will be more joyous than usual this year!

Cape Cod is still in winter but beautiful....flowers are beginning to bloom here and there....snowdrops and crocuses so far. A beautiful walk in a conservation area last weekend yielded an evening grosbeak and a butterfly which followed the entire 3 miles!
Gotta run, Ms. G is eating a plastic bag again....she really needs Plastic Bag Eaters Anonymous!!