Monday, July 28, 2014

The Beast and the Beauty

My very own beast visited me Friday night, all night, keeping me awake, planting and projecting in my exhausted head.  The weedy scenarios were so painful, as to choke me. I paced, I struggled with cramps in my legs and feet, and my attempts at meditation were fraught with road blocks.  The morning ahead was to be an early one, as my car was packed tightly with belongings to go to my new home. The beast was undone when I donned my "cape of bravery" and began to fly over all the fear.  I just went forward as though the day would be full of beauty and it was!!  No heavy traffic to delay my drive, Jason, Alison and Teddy were there to quickly unload my car and bring things up to my new rooms.  Alison had painted my bedroom walls with beautiful Benjamin Moore "Constellation" paint and I loved it so much my eyes filled up. My sitting room was really crammed with things previously moved and we made short work of moving some to their storage area, and then I was able to move all my boxes of quilting fabric, knitting, and beading supplies in to a small closet.  All of a sudden order seemed to return and I could feel the last of the beast leave my soul.  I may meet up with him again, but I know enough to put on my cape and fly away.  Amidst all the work we did, were delightful little conversations with Teddy. He is such a joy. These days he is obsessed with the Audubon Eastern bird book ( a gift I gave to his father many years ago). He brought me the book to show me his current favorite, the downy woodpecker, and we had a great conversation about my favorite, the flicker.  Alison and I chatted about various ways to deal with the schedule once I move in, and how I can help out with Teddy. Shortly, I was on my way to spend the rest of the weekend with my beloved LM. We washed and hung out sheets to dry, and then took a walk in a lovely conservation area....yes, bad knee and all, I put on my cape again and we were off. My cane was very helpful, too, and it felt so good to get my heart rate up. We shared some blissful moments, standing still in the deep woods, listening to the wind in the trees and tracking some elusive birds.  HEALING.....I was able to take off my "cape" for awhile and just be me - one with nature and my love - Beauty all around.
This morning launches my very last week of working. It seems a surreal place and I want to make the most of my time left  with individual work friends who have made each day wonderful in so many ways.
The reality of retiring and changing my living situation so drastically in less than 10 days is still sinking in, but still feeling right. It seems the only safe way to navigate these waters is to stay carefully in the moment, as I have mentioned before. If I veer, the beast arises and tries to direct me off course to the shoals. I will keep you posted.

Remaining ever grateful for all the support and encouragement as I pass through these waters.
Love and peace to all!

PS. I have a new little camera and will get some pictures soon of my new room and other surroundings. Gave my old camera to LM as he dropped his in the water to its death!


Balisha said...

So glad that you could calm "the beast" There's no wonder that your mind is busy. So many changes at once. We are used to routine and our way of life and when it is changed our minds work overtime.
You have people who love you and want to help. This is what I always say, "Let go and let God"
How old is Teddy? What you said about the bird book brought up a memory of my little boy, John. He loved my Audubon book of birds. He carried it around and showed everyone who came to visit his favorite birds. I can still remember John and my mom, sitting on the sofa looking through that book. He grew up to love watching birds and has so many feeders at his house.
Well, this is long...enjoy your last week at work. It will be hard to say goodbye, but just remember the new memories you will be making.
Hugs, Balisha

Judy said...

Oh--I hate that Beastie! Nipping around the edges--trying to take you into the "what ifs". Change is a scary thing. Ever forward!

Julie said...

You sound good Marcia. I think this is the best decision for you and your family, and you have so much support from them which makes it twice as nice.
You have been blessed with a wonderful DIL, it is so wonderful that you have open communication right off the bat. I hope Teddy will get to enjoy the fireworks tonight in celebration of the canal anniverary!

Sharon said...

Providence is at work, my friend. I can't tell you how comforting it was to read your words Monday morning. I remembered where I left my cape and pulled it around my shoulders to head into an uncertain week, not for me but for my daughter who worked all weekend to get things figured out. Monday I was able to stay cool, calm, and collected, and things are falling into place. When I "trust my cape" I do much better! I am glad to read that you do, too.

Retired English Teacher said...

I've been away from blogging and have just read this. I am thinking of you and hoping all is well. These things are not easy to do. It takes time to adjust. Fear and anxiety can rob us of the energy we need most at times like this. Thankfully, you have good friends, your love, and great beauty, as well as your family. Blessings.