Sunday Morning

Waking up!!

As soon as I leave the bed, my pillow is claimed.

A lovely, albeit cooler, day is with us.  The quiet is almost deafening here.  Where is everyone?  Not a car moving or a door closing.  This is aging in senior housing today. 

Many of my friends are behind closed doors, holding their breath until the election is over.  Fear has a grip. Whispered conversations reveal.  Sort of sad, when I reflect on days past when lively discussion of government was fun and invigorating, as it was around my childhood dinners, and with my Nana. 
I will rustle up one or two friends to have a walk later, kicking the fears away with the leaves in the low golden light of late afternoon. 

Speaking of silence, and whispers, I would love to hear how others are coping with aging.  There is a lot of advocating to be done, and often the energy to accomplish said advocating, is not there. Gradually I am speaking up about needs......help with laundry, sometimes shopping, and all the requirements of attending to my physical self. Speaking up to my children can sometimes bring eye rolling responses, and being made to feel the unsaid but certainly felt, "aww, come on Mum, you can do it."  Last week, I reached out to the Elder Services organization for my area.  Response was very fast, and I have some help coming in the form of a weekly laundry service (prior to this my daughter has been paying for a private service to pick up and deliver back, my laundry, for an exorbitant rate that kept me awake at night with guilt).  Elder services will also provide me with a shopper, should I need it, and a life line necklace.  Now, I am on their books, and there will be some continuing assessments of my needs. All this for 39./mo.  My daughter was paying well over 150/mo for just my laundry.  She is now going to pay the 39.  Major guilt that I am possibly taking away services from some else is not allowing me to sleep. If aging is a fact of life, why must we have to feel like such a burden?  These feelings seem to be ubiquitous among my neighbors.  Actually, I am one of the very lucky ones, as I still drive and maintain a car, I am steady on my feet, and in reasonably good health.  I also, am blessed to have my dearly loved, LM, in my life. He is still pretty healthy for 88, and is here at a moment's notice should I need anything. We live 40 miles apart but if he cannot be here, we have a close friend, who lives much closer to me, who is always willing to help.  LM and Bunny have a great love, too.

 

The mental aspect of the aging angst, is where, I am stumbling, and efforts to find a therapist have been ongoing for about 5 years, since loss of friends and family, has truly brought me down.  Through all my years, I have honed my coping skills very well, I think....yoga, meditation, walking, my times in nature, focusing on my breath to carry me over, and doing things to lift my spirits, seem to be failing me now, although I keep at it, the moon tides of life seem high and higher, threatening to bring me down in a pile of tears.

Blogging brought me some dear friends, one of them, the late Judy of Onward and Upward, was a great compatriot on this journey, I miss her so. Irony of irony, my two closest neighbors are named Judy, and we have formed a tight knit circle of support for each other.

They are both great fans of Bunny.  Their friendship, and the great happenstance that they are my neighbors, will buoy me for today!!  Lesson, I just need to look around and see the help and love. Not to mention, that I still have one of my dearest friends from high school with whom, I share everyday with deep gratitude!  

The Bunny/Clawdia Era

 It's been 5 years, way too long, and I have never forgotten a moment of the joy this blog holds in my life. There is something about owning and loving a cat that inspires me to share.  20 months ago, I same across a little cat, practically hairless from stress and lack of love, That sweet baby, Bunny/Clawdia, has become my happy, beautifully furred and fun, new kitty friend.  No shade on this blog's namesake, Graysea, of course, but I think it will be fun to share Bunny, too. She has an alter ego, Clawdia, and as that name indicates, Clawdia is the naughty girl side of Bun.

 

Retiring in 2014 brought me to a most amazing new chapter, 7 years of living with my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson, Teddy.  Alot of life happened in those years, and the whirl of it kept me very active, and motivated in so many years. Most of all, was growing, learning, teaching, and thriving with my dear Teddy. He is now about to turn 16, and I remain a close and adoring Nana.  We survived a lot together, especially the pandemic, some very deep losses in my life, and the normal angst of a developing child.  As the teens came on, it became evident that too many adults were in Teddy's life, and it might be happier for me to live in my own space. True, for us all. 

At first, the thought of moving, again setting up house, and to be without Teddy and cats, was inconceivable, but, I quickly found a little apartment, where I could wait out the time it took to find a place in local senior housing. Lots of help came together to effect the move, and at the one-year mark, the call from housing arrived.  Within a week, I was in a lovely sun-filled apartment, within an 8 unit building, with new friends, and all the fun of hunting for everything I needed by thrifting.  My love, LM, is still in my life....88 now, and he helped me every step of the way. 

 As I write, I have been in this great place for almost 3 years.  The adjustment was not always easy, and a lot of the last 3 years have been periods of serious illness and long recoveries. There have been 4 bouts of covid, 1 of RSV, and several falls, as well as a pulmonary embolism event which ended in hospitalization, followed by a month in a nursing rehab facility.  All behind me now, but it has completely changed my life, my strength, and abilities.

I look forward to sharing the adjustments and challenges brought on by aging, and what I am doing to settle, yet retain the zest for life in what time I have left. 

I think Bunny will bring along some laughs and her special kind of love.  

Happy Autumn, I shared a day out with LM in the golden beauty of Cape Cod late Fall today.

The photo was taken at a beautiful beach.....we watched a young woman with her huge dog, who was trying to get some attention.  SWEET.

The Composition of Grief

The days pass, this week would have seen my sister, Margaret turn 72.

Today grief is knots, loose threads, lumps and bumps, unfinished sentences, thoughts and tears.

Mostly, I am in a daze.

Music, nature and the love around me, soothes my soul.

This is all many times harder for my sweet nieces...….and for my brother's wife......time is not making it easier.

4.5 Months - Then there were 5.

When I last wrote in mid-April, the greatest fear I noted, was that Ev's acute myeloid leukemia could come roaring back and take him from us.  The call came Friday, May 24, "Come as soon as you can, Ev is in critical condition, back in the hospital."  Within 4 hours, I was in the air to Baltimore.  Sister-in-law, Jenni met me and we were off to Johns Hopkins.  Ev's eyes opened briefly, seeming to acknowledge my presence, we sat by his side for a day and a half, and he left us on Sunday, May 26 at 1 pm.  The first of the Morse siblings was gone!

Everett Abraham Morse III, of Baltimore MD, passed away at Johns Hopkins Hospital, on Sunday, May 26, 2019, after a courageous battle with acute myeloid leukemia.

DOB: January 4, 1951

Place of Birth: Hanover, Massachusetts, son of the late Everett A. Morse and Eleanor B. (Murphy) Morse.

Graduate of Hanover High School, Hanover, MA 1968.

A graduate of The Thompson School at the University of New Hampshire,

and The University of Maryland at College Park in Horticulture.

Veteran USAF 1971-1974

Husband of Jennifer B. Morse, father of Martin E. Morse

of Baltimore

Besides his wife and son, Everett is survived by sisters and brothers: Marcia L. Morse of Sagamore

Beach, MA, Susan K. Wienczkowski, of Lafayette, CO, Margaret E. Anglin, Waterloo, Ontario, Canada, Martin I. Morse (Karen)of Savoy, IL, Eleanor M. Haskell (Stephen) of Poulsbo, WA, and Samuel A. Morse (Trish) of Cohasset, MA ,and, many beloved nieces, nephews, and friends.

Everett worked in the building supply business most recently with Colonial Sash and Door in Frederick, MD, and Aeroseal Corp in Jessup, MD

An avid lover of, hiking, and nature, Everett was often found on the trails of Patapsco State Park with his son, Martin and his beloved dog, Tiger. He took immense pleasure in baking and cooking for his family and friends, and fostered many a treasured friendship with gifts of his delicious breads, soups and cookies, pies, etc. Gardening, woodworking, and reading, as well as, travel to many beautiful places throughout the US, brought Everett great pleasure.

Ev's frequent trips “home” to MA and Cape Cod to visit family, meant walks on Lighthouse Beach in Chatham, and along the Cape Cod Canal, and making beautiful seafood meals with sisters and brothers, leaving them with wonderful memories and stories told with his wickedly- wry sense of humor.

On Thursday, June 6, we held a memorial gathering, and I stayed to be with Jenni and son, Martin, until June 12.  It was a terrible feeling to leave them, but home I came to begin healing, and pick up my life.
During my time in Baltimore, the family learned that my sister, Margaret, had fallen and was in hospital with a fractured pelvis.  Subsequently, she moved to a rehab facility and was slowly and painfully, making a recovery, with her dear daughters by her side. While undergoing rehab for her injury, it was decided that Margaret should have an MRI to explore why she fell, and to look at progress of her MS.  After an interminable wait for results, on Friday June 14, I received a phone call to say the MRI had revealed that Margaret had Stage 4 lung cancer which had metastasized to her brain, liver and spine.  This explained why the frequent falls were occurring, but it also presented a very grave diagnosis.  Our courageous, beautiful sister, had very little time left.  As she did everything in her life, Margaret, faced this all with grace and dignity, with her daughters and son around her.  We quickly pulled together a reunion of the siblings and spent some very meaningful time with Margaret in early August.  There was our usual strong love, laughter, sharing of stories, and poignant moments threaded through this precious time, to sustain us through this painful time of loss.. Our youngest brother, Sam, and his wife, Trish, were able to visit, as well.

Follow the link below to the beautiful obituary written by Margaret's lovely daughters Ellie and Emmy

Margaret Obituary

 Love prevails here, even as it feels like deep grief, we move forward, carrying all that Ev and Margaret stood for in our hearts always. Brothers, Marty and Sam, and sisters Susan (Bebo) and Eleanor. Our close contact throughout all this time, has saved me, over and over. I love you all so much.  Many cousins, friends and neighbors have been so very kind and thoughtful, too.

I am deeply grateful for the help of my immediate family,  and the generosity extended to me, to make it possible to be with Ev and family, and especially to my brother-in-law, Stephen Haskell and sister-in-law, Trish.  Your immediate help, love and caring sustained me in so many ways.



   

The Sun

I do admit, first off, that 4 days of cold, dark and sometimes rainy days, befitted my mood this week!  Just now some rays of sun have broken through, and I physically felt the uplifting effects with sheer gratitude.

I have just come back from a second 2+ weeks of time spent with my brother, Ev and his wife in Baltimore.  This second trip brought me home with new hope that we may see the possibility of remission  Acute Myeloid Leukemia is a force to be reckoned with, and we are so blessed to have an amazing team at Johns Hopkins Hospital and Research Center in out corner.  Currently, Ev is stronger than he has been in awhile.  He has continued on chemo, while receiving many infusions of platelets and red blood cells to keep him strong enough to endure what lies ahead.  Monday saw the beginning of a 28 day protocol of 2 chemos and infusions. This will be followed up, hopefully, by radiation, and culminate in a bone marrow transplant.  Ev is now able to drive himself to and from the hospital, which is a great relief for wife, Jenni. My time was spent helping with driving, cooking, shopping, and just general support to keep their lives afloat during this tense time.  At any given moment the leukemia could blast its way through the effects of the treatment and end the progress. So far, so good. We are bolstered everyday by the amazing support, and love from friends and family, and most of all, by Ev's ability to remain very positive, that this will all work, to bring him into a full  and vibrant life ahead.

Meanwhile, it was lovely to be south of here where Spring was bursting forth with green leaves and cherry blossoms!

 Cheerful Daffodil faces from Ev and Jenni's garden

 Ev's, Ms Lucy caught in a yawn!

 A lovely sweater was being knit during my visit....mohair.

 Johns Hopkins hospital alit with cherry blossoms

 JH cherry blossoms

 Cherry blossoms in Druid Hill Park, Baltimore on Ev's first day of driving.

Druid Hill Park

Coming home to the brownness of Winter still clinging, added to the doldrums and sadness of leaving Ev, but I came home to loving arms and lots of purring.  My beloved LM was waiting at the airport for me to fall in to his longed-for arms, and he delivered me safely home to my waiting Jason, Alison and Teddy!! I missed them all so much.

 Just off the plane in Providence, LM and I enjoyed a lovely and delicious evening at 

Turk's Seafood Restaurant in Mattapoisett, MA on the way home. There may or may not have been some Makers Mark consumed. 

 Baked scrod perfection

 Fried clams and sea scallops. Dreamy!

….and when I finally got into bed, this darling boy was waiting to cuddle his Nana. Sweetness!

Taking a walk through our garden, looking closely, I can see the earth bringing the promise of great beauty.  On Ev's last visit here in June of 2018, he brought, from his amazing garden, a lilac sapling, and a large tree peony, already living in his rich mulch, and I was thrilled to see them with new life this week.  Renewal!!

Teddy is having a great 4th grade, and is reveling in being chosen to sing a solo and portray Aladdin in a coming All Star Revue event. We are busy with voice lessons and rehearsals for the next 2 months.

The sun is now intermittent, as will be emotions in the coming months, and we hold strong to our underpinnings from nature and faith to buoy us on the journey.

Stay tuned for more photos from my time in Baltimore.....

Scatter love and  smiles as you go!!💚

Falling off the Grid

Two weeks ago, Baltimore, MD called me to the bedside of my beloved brother, Everett. He is gravely ill with 3 forms of blood cancer. A combination so rare that treatment possibilities are almost unknown. Johns Hopkins Weinberg Pavillion is treating him with a combination of aggressive chemos, to be followed, hopefully by a bone marrow transplant. I am here with his wife, Jenni, and son, Martin,  and we are holding down the fort, as their life has been thrown into a completely new form.
Ev will be remaining in the hospital through the completion of treatment.  His treatment falls within a a clinical trial which, I believe was pioneered at Sloan Kettering in NY. It is a last ditch effort. Each day finds Jenni and I driving almost a half hour into downtown Baltimore, and checking in to the hospital, where we have to wear masks, at all times.  Johns Hopkins is an amazing institution and surely on the cutting edge of cancer treatment and many other diseases, as well. We stay with Ev for a few hours, then leave to pick up the pieces of our souls.  This will be a day to day process.

Meanwhile, back at their house, I have been cooking and helping Jenni to get some life things in order.  We manage to keep our spirits up, but, of course, there are breakdowns into tears.  My free tie is spent notifying the rest of the family and siblings of progress. My siblings are the world to me, and I am homesick for them all right now!

So that is where I am, I miss my family back on Cape Cod so much....going home for a short time next week, but will come back.

Love and peace and extra hugs to family at this time.

Birthday Wishes

Celebrating the birthday of my LOVE, aka LM, today.  Wow, could I have ever imagined, that life would bring me the love of such a wonderful man??  I doubt it!!!

The day has begun with his favorite strawberry shortcake scones!

Soon, we are off to visit a farmers market, purportedly to find the best homemade rye bread anywhere. After that we will visit Crabapples in Falmouth to acquire a quart of fish chowder.

Maybe, just maybe, we will stop at People for Cats in E. Falmouth to see if there might be an adult kitty looking for the perfect home.   

A delightful memory from our recent trip to Canada...

Eleuthera!!

Teddy!

A sweet moment in memory of dear Ms G

In gratitude, with deep love, and happiness, this day is dedicated to you, my love!!