A lovely, albeit cooler, day is with us. The quiet is almost deafening here. Where is everyone? Not a car moving or a door closing. This is aging in senior housing today.
Many of my friends are behind closed doors, holding their breath until the election is over. Fear has a grip. Whispered conversations reveal. Sort of sad, when I reflect on days past when lively discussion of government was fun and invigorating, as it was around my childhood dinners, and with my Nana.
I will rustle up one or two friends to have a walk later, kicking the fears away with the leaves in the low golden light of late afternoon.
Speaking of silence, and whispers, I would love to hear how others are coping with aging. There is a lot of advocating to be done, and often the energy to accomplish said advocating, is not there. Gradually I am speaking up about needs......help with laundry, sometimes shopping, and all the requirements of attending to my physical self. Speaking up to my children can sometimes bring eye rolling responses, and being made to feel the unsaid but certainly felt, "aww, come on Mum, you can do it." Last week, I reached out to the Elder Services organization for my area. Response was very fast, and I have some help coming in the form of a weekly laundry service (prior to this my daughter has been paying for a private service to pick up and deliver back, my laundry, for an exorbitant rate that kept me awake at night with guilt). Elder services will also provide me with a shopper, should I need it, and a life line necklace. Now, I am on their books, and there will be some continuing assessments of my needs. All this for 39./mo. My daughter was paying well over 150/mo for just my laundry. She is now going to pay the 39. Major guilt that I am possibly taking away services from some else is not allowing me to sleep. If aging is a fact of life, why must we have to feel like such a burden? These feelings seem to be ubiquitous among my neighbors. Actually, I am one of the very lucky ones, as I still drive and maintain a car, I am steady on my feet, and in reasonably good health. I also, am blessed to have my dearly loved, LM, in my life. He is still pretty healthy for 88, and is here at a moment's notice should I need anything. We live 40 miles apart but if he cannot be here, we have a close friend, who lives much closer to me, who is always willing to help. LM and Bunny have a great love, too.
The mental aspect of the aging angst, is where, I am stumbling, and efforts to find a therapist have been ongoing for about 5 years, since loss of friends and family, has truly brought me down. Through all my years, I have honed my coping skills very well, I think....yoga, meditation, walking, my times in nature, focusing on my breath to carry me over, and doing things to lift my spirits, seem to be failing me now, although I keep at it, the moon tides of life seem high and higher, threatening to bring me down in a pile of tears.
Blogging brought me some dear friends, one of them, the late Judy of Onward and Upward, was a great compatriot on this journey, I miss her so. Irony of irony, my two closest neighbors are named Judy, and we have formed a tight knit circle of support for each other.
They are both great fans of Bunny. Their friendship, and the great happenstance that they are my neighbors, will buoy me for today!! Lesson, I just need to look around and see the help and love. Not to mention, that I still have one of my dearest friends from high school with whom, I share everyday with deep gratitude!
